


The Surrogate

by TwoGirlsOneAccount



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, I mean there is a plot but not really tbh, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Uploaded in one go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 07:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 38,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10849215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwoGirlsOneAccount/pseuds/TwoGirlsOneAccount
Summary: After Jace decided he needs an heir to his company, he asks Alec to pretend to be his boyfriend in order for them to be eligible to apply for a surrogate. After choosing Clary for the job, the two must take care of her while she carries Jace's child without revealing to her that they aren't really together. Warning for language and suggestive content.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> We previously uploaded this story to Fanfiction.net a while ago but we decided that if we have this account we may as well put it here too. Uploading it all in one go so enjoy and be sure to leave comments and kudos :)  
> Please don't get offended by anything that we wrote here. It's all for shits and giggles.  
> Also we're super new to ao3 so can someone please tell us what the hell is the difference between the slash and the ampersand (&) in the pairings? Like we think we know what it means like maybe not?

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," Alec grumbled as he walked beside Jace.

"You're the one who's making me tell Isabelle and Max about it," Jace retorted.

"Well were you planning on hiding it from them for nine months and just randomly pulling out a baby and yelling SURPRISE?"

Jace glared at the sidewalk. "Why do you always have to make things so difficult?"

Alec smirked at his adopted brother, "because it's my job."

Jace sighed in contempt, thinking back the night before when he had spent hours trying to convince Alec to accept his offer.

[FLASHBACK]

Jace strode into the room and leaned over the mahogany dining room table in an attempt to peer around the newspaper at Alec's face. "So, I've been thinking-"

"Oh, thanks for the warning," Alec pushed back his chair, nearly knocking it over as he attempted to escape.

Jace jumped in front of him before he could get too far. "Wait Alec, I really need your help. Would you please listen?" Jace pleaded with big puppy-dog eyes.

Alec sighed. "Fine, but make it quick. Dr. Phil is about to start."

Jace took a deep breath and blurted "I NEED YOU TO BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILD!"

"Wait, what?" There was awkward silence for a few seconds while Alec collected his thoughts. Finally he spoke, calmly and slowly. "I'm going to need just a little bit more detail because, last time I checked, unless you have access to a working uterus, that won't work."

Jace smiled proudly, "I've got that all figured out! I'll find a girl to carry the baby."

Alec squinted. "Not against her will, right?"

"What? NO! You know the Macy's that closed on the corner of Front and Balaclava? It reopened as a sperm bank!"

"Yeah, we got that part," Alec said, pointing down.

Jace's smile widened "No, no, no. They help you find a surrogate and do the artificial insemination and everything!"

"So, let me just get this straight. You were walking in the street on day, saw the open sign and just thought, _that sounds great! I'll take one now and one for the road!"_

"Alec, don't be stupid," Jace said. "You know I've been thinking about this for a long time. I need an heir for my company. I never really see myself settling down with anyone and I need this child Alec! I NEED IT!"

Alec raised a finger sassily. "Ok, first of all, you just said 'it'. It's a who. Secondly, you're 25. You shouldn't be worrying about having an heir yet. And last but not least, you hate children!"

Jace kissed his teeth disdainfully. "That's not even true. I love kids and you know it."

"Oh, really? Example number one," Alec began counting on his fingers. "A baby in church threw up by your shoes and you _hissed_ at him. You literally hissed."

"Yeah but that's not-"

"Example number two, a small child cut in front of you at McDonalds and you picked him up, handed him to his mother, said 'here's your thingy,' and then ordered some chicken McNuggets."

"That's differ-"

"Example. Number. Three. When we went to the movies to see _The Avengers_ , a kid kicked your seat _once_. You turned around, grabbed the kid by the shirt collar and said, and I quote, 'listen you little shit. Learn some manners before I teach them to you the hard way.' Then when the mother tried to intervene, you told her to 'shut her whore mouth' and to 'parent her thing like a proper bitch should.'"

Jace almost looked ashamed. _Almost._ "Yeah, but I've changed," he stammered. "I'm a grown man now. I'm mature."

"That was two weeks ago."

"Look, Alec, I didn't want to have to bring this up, but remember our old history teach-"

"Ok, ok I'll do whatever you want!"

"Good. And don't worry, you don't need to be the father, I just need you to pretend to be my boyfriend."

Alec looked shocked, "What? You want me to _lie_?"

"No," Jace said. "I want you to _act_."

"But why?"

"Because you're my best friend and there's no one else I would trust with my child. Also you're very judgy so you can help me pick out a surrogate. Oh, and I hear they're sympathetic to gay couples."

Alec stood from his chair. "So you want me to lie about being in love with you and deceive a government company all so I can help you do something you can probably do by yourself anyway?"

"Um, yeah."

"Why don't you just get one of your whores to do it?" Alec wined.

"Because," Jace sighed dramatically. "Then I would have to deal with said whore! Please Alec, I'm begging you!"

Alec sighed with exasperation. "Fine."

[END FLASHBACK]

"Are you guys seriously going to have a kid together? Ew, you're like brothers though," Said Max, taking a fry from the plate and dousing it in vinegar.

Jace stole the fry from Max's hand, shoving it in his mouth. "Did you not hear the story, Maxi-Pad? I'm only using him as a means to get my child."

"Gee, thanks." Alec grumbled sarcastically at the same time that Max yelled, "I told you not to call me that!"

Isabelle leaned forward and immediately started interrogating them. "Do you really think you're ready for that kind of commitment? You don't even like children. Have you considered the responsibilities? Are you willing to take care of the baby and put it before yourself?"

"I will love this kid with all my heart." Jace said, quite seriously.

There was a silence among them as Jace's serious words hung over them.

"So is she hot?" Max said, interrupting the silence and spitting fries everywhere.

"Is who hot?" Alec asked, avoiding the splatter from his brother's mouth.

"The chick with Jace's baby gravy," the seventeen year old clarified as he continued to stuff his face.

"Funny you should ask, we're actually interviewing surrogates tomorrow." Jace said with a smirk.

 


	2. Soulless Ginger Baby

SOULLESS GINGER BABY

Jace swatted Alec's hand away before he could straighten his tie again. "Would you stop, we've been a couple for like two days and you`re already whipped."

Alec rolled his eyes. "Don't be like that we need to look nice for these people. One of them will be carrying your child."

"Then shouldn't they at least get an honest look at me?"

"No, once she's knocked up it's too late."

They sat in their respective chairs in the small grey room, awaiting their first candidate. Jace nervously looked through the files when Alec leaned over and said, "I'm sorry, it's been bothering me. Who the _fuck_ names their sperm bank _Kids R' Us_?"

Before Jace could reply, a small blond girl that Jace recognized as Maureen Brown. She sat down in the chair across from the boys.

"Hi," she said in a quiet voice. "I'm Maureen. I just wanted to say that if you don't choose me, there are no hard feelings and I totally understand. Shall we get started?"

Jace straightened, already liking the candidate. "So Maureen, tell us about yourself. How old are you? Where are you from? What are some of your hobbies?"

The small girl stood up, walking towards Jace and Alec as she began talking. "I'm twenty-two years old," She leaned over Jace, inhaling deeply and exhaling with a sigh. "I was born in my grandmother's basement on the same couch that she died on," she leaned down and inhaled Alec with ecstasy, taking a deep drag before sliding her slimy tongue down his neck. "Sorry," she whispered. "I just needed a taste. As for my hobbies, I collect human hair." She said, abruptly sitting herself down on Jace's lap and yanking a lock of golden hair from his head, examining it closely. "You have such a lovely colour of hair. I hope out child looks like you." She stroked his face tenderly. She leaned in even closer to Jace and whispered, "I just wanted to let you know that I look forward to bearing your child and if you ever leave me I will hold the infant inside my womb as a reminder of our passionate love."

Jace lightly pushed Maureen away from him, smiling charmingly. "We'll get back to you."

She smiled, stood up from grinding on Jace's junk and left with a dramatic spin on the way out. As soon as the door shut, Alec leaned over the side of his chair and re-tasted his lunch.

Jace patted his friends back gently, waiting for him to finish puking. "So I'll take that as a maybe?"

Alec glared back at him like he was a three-breasted alien. "How did that not repulse you?"

"Eh," Jace leaned back in his chair. "I've slept with worse." He stood and began walking towards the corner of the room. "Alec," he said, leaning over the waste basket. "I think I might have dropped the keys in the garbage on our way in."

"The keys are on the table," Alec smirked. "What's wrong Jace, you're looking a little green. Did that lap dance upset you?"

"Of course not," Jace discretely picked up the garbage can. "Just give me a moment. I need to go and… I have to look at the- open the window and… find out what time it is." Jace bolted from the room, slamming the door behind him. Once the door was shut, Alec chuckled to himself at the obnoxiously violent vomiting sounds coming from outside the door. He wondered if Jace would be coughing up blood later.

Jace re-entered the room, his hair slightly dishevelled. He sat back down in his chair next to Alec.

"So, no?" his friend inquired.

"No," Jace agreed.

"Next up, Kaelie Whitewillow."

A tall and slim girl with blond hair and bright blue eyes entered the room. She wore thigh high boots that rose a few inches below her skirt or belt or whatever it was. Her (barely existent) bra/shirt thing left nothing for imagination.

She sauntered into the room, sipping the coffee she held her claw-like hand and licking her red plastered lips. As she stepped in, her eyes immediately found Jace, looking him top to bottom, but focusing more on the bottom. She "tripped," spilling her coffee all over Jace's lap.

"Oh shit! I'm so sorry! Let me get that for you." She leaned forward, pulling off her shirt and leaning over Jace's pants, rubbing the coffee as she sat there completely topless and completely shameless.

Jace slowly looked over to Alec, a delighted grin growling on his face as he nodded enthusiastically

"Nope." Alec stood up, practically pushing a topless Kaelie out of the room and slamming the door behind her.

"What was that for?" Jace frowned.

"You're choosing a surrogate, not a one night stand!"

"I think she was at least worth two nights," Jace smirked.

"Are you kidding me!?" Alec started yelling. Jace knew this was the start of one of his little hissy fits. "She looks like she's fresh off the street corner. Call me old fashioned, but shouldn't her skirt be longer than her vagina? How is she supposed to squeeze a kid out of a half exploded hot pocket? She probably has an STD named after her! She's probably in the Guinness book of World Records for most condoms not used! Do you want your child to look like the hunchback of Notre Dame? Do you want a herpes baby? Is that what you want Jace!?" Alec was now holding Jace by the collar and pulling him closer and closer. For a second Jace thought he would kiss him, but then he just spat in his face.

"So… that's a maybe?"

Alec growled at him.

"Ok, ok it's a no."

After Alec cooled off, he stopped pacing and sat down as Jace looked at the folder of the next candidate. Aline Penhallow was a petite girl with short black hair and almond eyes. As she entered the room, Jace could see that the picture in her folder did not do her justice. She was actually quite pretty.

She walked in and sat down on the chair across from them, crossing her long legs and straightening her professional looking suit jacket. "Hello boys," she said with a striking smile. "I know that the usual protocol for these kinds of meetings is that you would ask me questions, but before that I'd like to know more about you."

"Fair enough," Jace said. "I'm 25 years old, I own a gun manufacturing company called Herondale Corp. I graduated St Xavier's high school with honours but never attended a College because I shortly before graduating, I inherited my parents company. I'm 6'2", I have a fantastically lickable body, and a huge package so obviously I'm an amazing lay. And I was once nominated for sexiest man alive."

"No you weren't," Alec interjected, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah," Jace said in return. "But I should have been," he winked.

"Right, moving on." Alec sat up straighter. "I'm 26 years old; I went to Stanford University and got my degree in psychology. I'm currently working as a marriage counsellor-"

"Yawn," Jace stretched dramatically. "I never realized how boring your life is. Like how do you not shoot yourself in the face every day that you wake up and realize that you need to listen to people's bullshit problems for hours and hours. How are you alive!?"

Alec rolled his eyes as though this happens nearly every day and he couldn't be more used to it. He turned to Aline, trying to hide his annoyance. "So, tell us about you Ms. Penhallow."

The Asian-American woman smiled, once again readjusting her jacket. "Alright, well I'm 26 years old. I graduated from Harvard Law and am currently working as an assistant consultant at Blackthorn & Fell. I'm a frequent attendant of the Catholic Church and firmly believe that homosexuality is a choice and is the wrong one. It can and will be fixed. Gentlemen, I'm not here to help contribute to the gay population, I'm here to help you pray the gay away. Now, shall we start with a prayer?"

Jace stood, his face red with rage as he flipped the coffee table towards the wall. He looked at Aline with utter disgust.

"Listen you stuck-up bitch-faced catholic cunt! The only thing that's wrong here is you! There is nothing wrong with same sex relationships. We are all just people who deserve love and to be happy and if another guy or maybe girl makes you happy then you should be allowed to be with them and nobody should judge you for it. And its people like you trying to make everyone believe what you believe and think what you think that make this world a shitty place!" Jace's voice suddenly took on a very ghetto accent. "If Alec wants to stick his dick in another guy's ass, then why you trying to cock-block! That's his business!"

Jace suddenly took on an eerie calm as he walked to the door on the other side of the room and opened it, motioning for Aline to get out. "Thanks for coming but I don't think you are what we are looking for. Goodbye." He slammed the door the second she was out of the room. "Some people." He muttered under his breath angrily while shaking his head.

"It's okay." Alec said, breaking the tension. "I get that a lot."

"But you shouldn't." Jace said exasperatedly. "There is nothing wrong with what you are."

"I know, but some people just haven't gotten the message yet." Alec said. "But thanks. That means a lot."

The boys shared a smile.

Just then the door cracked open and a petite, delicate redhead came in. "Is this where the surrogacy interviews are?" she asked in a shy voice, looking at the ground.

"Yes, please sit down." Alec said politely, though he looked a little stiff. He pointed to a chair as she sat down. "I'm Alec, and that's Jace. We're really, really, really gay for each other and we're here to have a child, _together,_ because we're in a very serious and permanent stage in our relationship. _Together._ "

The small girl looked nervous. "I'm Clary." She said quietly.

"So tell us about yourself." Jace spoke for the first time after finally pulling his slack jaw off the floor. Alec gave him an irritated look before looking back at Clary with a jealous stare.

"Well, I'm Clarissa Adele Fray but everyone calls me Clary. I'm 24 years old. My hobbies are painting, drawing and reading. My favourite book is _A Tale of Two Cities._ I graduated high school with honours and I'm currently a waitress at Java Jones." She said timidly.

"Don't mind me asking, but why do you want to do this? You graduated with honours, why don't you go to college and get a better job?" Jace asked.

Clary looked down and spoke softly. "My mom is in a coma and I can't afford both, I can barely pay rent every month. My brother's in Canada doing coma research. He sends money to help pay the hospital bills but it's still not enough."

After a moment of silence, Alec suddenly asked "What about your father?"

Clary averted her eyes to the ground once again. "He died just over 5 years ago."

Alec felt sorry for this small girl but he still didn't like the way Jace looked at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."

Clary gave Alec a small sad smile. Jace put his hand on her knee. "It's okay." He said gently, staring into her emerald eyes while she stared back at his golden ones.

Suddenly the moment was broken by Alec. "Can you go into the hallway while Jace and I talk please?"

Clary nodded her head and left the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.

As soon as the door closed Alec turned to Jace. "So who else is on the list?"

Jace held up his hands. "Wait, wait, wait. I like her."

"Maybe a little too much." Alec quipped.

"It's my kid, Alec. I think I should choose the mother." Jace quickly said back.

"You said you wanted my help. Plus do you want a soulless ginger baby? Your kid won't be able to go on roller coasters till they're 27. It'll have more freckles then flesh. Besides, everyone knows art freaks smoke pot daily!"

"Okay you're right. I mean, not about the marijuana thing, but I should listen to you." Jace then walks to the door and calls Clary back inside. But before Alec has the chance to speak he shouted. "Congratulations we have chosen you to be our surrogate!"

A giant smile grew on Clary's face. "Really? Thank you so much. You won't regret it!"

Alec glared at Jace then plastered a fake smile on his face and looked over at Clary. "Great. We'll see you in a few days." He said through clenched teeth.


	3. No Showering on Tuesdays

NO SHOWERING ON TUESDAYS

"Remind me again why she couldn't just take a taxi?" Alec said, putting his feet up on the dashboard.

"First of all," Jace looked over to his adopted brother. "She will be carrying my child. The least we can do is pick her up from her apartment. And secondly," Jace flicked Alec's shoes sitting on the corvette's dash. "This is a nice car. I don't want your old man shoe footprints on it."

"This is your least expensive car."

"That doesn't mean I love it any less," Jace said as they pulled into the parking lot of the Brooklyn apartment complex.

"Wow, what a dump," Alec muttered as he stepped out of Jace's cheapest car. They walked to the door and opened it. No security lock. "What's her room number again?"

"Apartment 221B."

The boys walked up the two flights of stairs to Clary's apartment and knocked on the green, mold stained door. The small redhead peeked through the door as it cracked open with the sound of a rattling chain. Clary slammed the door shut, unhooked the chain lock and opened it just wide enough for Jace and Alec to squeeze in.

The apartment was… well… Jace wouldn't even call it an apartment. In fact, he would barely even call it a _closet_. There was just enough space in the room to fit a single bed, a dresser and a mini fridge. He saw a door and assumed that was the bathroom, but he was too scared to go check.

" _You live here!?"_ Jace said, barely chocking out the words with his lungs full of mold scented air.

Clary shrugged.

"Is this your stuff?" Alec asked, kicking a small duffle bag that sat on the small empty space on the floor with a box.

Clary nodded.

"Well I guess we should get going." Jace picked up the box and Alec the duffel bag, though Clary tried to tell them not to, and Alec tried to hand her the bag, but Jace wouldn't let him. He smiled, saying it was the least he could do as they walked down the stairs to the car.

The all loaded into the corvette, which Clary stepped into carefully, as though she thought she might break it or dirty it and began petting the leather seats in the back with a dropped jaw.

" _You drive this?"_ Clary asked, wiping the drool from the corner of her mouth.

"It's his least expensive car," Alec smirked.

"But that doesn't mean I love it any less!" Jace defended.

They drove in silence for several minutes while Clary admired the leather interior, stopping occasionally to look out the window with little interest at the New York sky line. Soon, after passing many expensive looking mansions, they came to the elaborate entrance gates of Jace's driveway.

"Wait, is this the queen's summer home or something?" Clary asked, leaning forward in between the two boys.

Jace laughed. "No."

"So, Jesus lives here."

"Uh, no?"

"Are you the queen?"

"No, I just own a company."

"With Jesus?" Clary was now practically sitting on Alec's lap, staring out the front window in an attempt to take in the whole mansion at once.

"No, it's a gun and technology company that I inherited from my parents."

"Is the technology the tears of Jesus?" Clary pressed her face against the wind shield. "Wait," Clary pulled away and looked at Jace, shocked. "Are you Jesus?"

"Nope," Jace said, a grin growling on his face. "Though I have been told the resemblance is startling."

Alec groaned and pushed Clary off his lap as Jace pulled the car into the enormous garage lined with every expensive car that exists. A red Ferrari, a gold Lamborghini, a black Mustang, a silver Jaguar, a blue BMW, and about ten more that Clary couldn't get a good look at. At the end of the line of cars, Clary could just see the front tire and handlebars of a Harley Davidson peeking out behind a Rolls Royce.

Jace caught her staring at the glorious piece of metal. He smirked, watching her stare at his baby. He helped her out of the car, taking her bag as Alec took the box and they headed into the house.

"This used to be my parent's house," Jace said, walking through the large entry room that seemed to be the side entrance. Clary and Alec followed Jace through the halls as he said things like "this is the grand main floor dining room. And this is the small main floor dining room. This is the ballroom. This is the library. And over here is the kitchen. Over here is the billiard room, and that's the main staircases going upstairs. The basement staircase is just off the small main floor dining room."

Clary couldn't do much other than nod. It was difficult for her to take it all in, considering for the past 5 years she's lived in an apartment smaller than one of Jace's main floor bathrooms.

Jace led the two upstairs into a large, tastefully decorated room. "This is my room," he said.

Alec coughed. "Our room. Which we share."

"Right, sorry." Jace said calmly.

"It is alright, Jace. I know that sometimes you forget that we are gay for each other and sleep together every night but that's ok because I am here to remind you. Because I love you. And you love me… therefore we love each other. Which is why we are together. And share a room. Because we are gay together" Alec smiled as though he had gas, not looking Clary in the eye.

"Ok, anyway," Jace mumbled. "This is the nursery," he pointed to a large room across from his. It was about the size of seven of Clary's apartments put together. "And this is your room," he said, motioning to an even larger room next to the nursery. Clary stood at the entrance, not daring to take a step inside the perfectly and tastefully furnished room with a queen sized bed, a walk in closet, and adjoining master bathroom. In the corner of the room was a bookshelf filled with books, and a comfy looking window bench.

"I hope you don't mind but I kind of started to set up in here for you. There are towels in the bathroom closet-"

"Wait, there's a closet _for the bathroom_?"

Jace just smiled before continuing. "I got all the toiletries you might need. The bed sheets are 900 thread count and you can read any of the books on the shelves if you want."

Clary smiled, admiring the room. "Thank you."

"We'll let you get settled while we make dinner downstairs. Do you like lasagne?"

Clary nodded. Jace left Clary's bag on the floor by the closet and left.

Alec set the box down next to her. "Yeah, we'll be downstairs while you hang up your three shirts and maybe take a shower." Alec wrinkled his nose as he walked past her out the door.

**OoOoOoO**

Alec stood beside Jace, who was layered the lasagna carefully but sloppily.

"We need to talk about how we're going to make this believable," Alec said over Jace's shoulder.

"Really? I thought your lying was just brilliant back there. She probably doesn't suspect a thing!"

"Yes, well, I won't be there every time to save you."

Jace rolled his eyes. "So what do you have in mind?"

Alec reached over and opened a drawer to pull out a notebook. He flipped it open to a page full of lists and what looked like math equations. "So, the first thing that we need to do is hold hands. But we have to interlock fingers otherwise it shows signs of negligence and distance among the couple. Also, to show signs of affection, we should hug and cuddle around her. And last, but not least, we need to do the mouth kisses."

"Wait, the what?"

"The mouth kisses."

Jace dropped the spoon he was using to add the sauce and stared at Alec. "What the hell is a mouth kiss?"

"It's kissing on the mouth," Alec said as though it was the most obvious and common thing to say.

"So why didn't you just say kisses?"

"I didn't want you to become confused with cheek kisses, which we also need to do."

Jace tried to resist the urge to smack Alec with the tomato sauce spoon. "Alright, so we'll act like a couple-"

"A _healthy_ couple."

"Yes," Jace sighed exasperatedly. "We'll act like a healthy couple in front of Clary."

Jace picked up the sloppily made lasagne and placed it in the oven.

Clary turned the corner into the kitchen in grey sweatpants and a baggy shirt, her wet hair pulled back into a braid. "Your shower has hot water! That's so weird!"

Jace tried to hide his smile. "Lasagne needs a few minutes." He ushered to the stool by the counter. Clary sat down and Alec handed her a stack of stapled paper.

"What's this?" she asked, briefly flipping through the pages.

"It's a list of… rules for you to follow while you're staying with us," Alec tried to hide his smirk.

Clary looked down at the first page again, taking the time to read it this time.

_House Rules:_

_1._ _The doors lock at midnight. Be inside or sleep on the porch._

_2._ _Clean up after yourself._

_3._ _If you finish something in the fridge or pantry, put it on the grocery list._

_4._ _Minimal noise between 11pm and 7am._

Clary nodded as she read through the list. "This seems reasonable." She turned to the next page, which was another list, though this one was longer.

_Pregnancy Rules:_

_1._ _Eat healthy; minimum three meals a day._

_2._ _Minimum eight hours of sleep a night._

_3._ _You must attend_ all _appointments set._

_4._ _Take your vitamins._

_5._ _After five months of pregnancy; no walking on stairs alone._

_6._ _No fast food; don't want a heart disease baby._

_7._ _No sex/masturbation._

_8._ _No showering on Tuesdays._

"Why Tuesdays?" Clary asked, looking up from the list.

"Showers are significantly more slippery on Tuesdays." Alec clarified.

"Well this shouldn't be too hard to do. Except for maybe taking vitamins. I'm forgetful."

"Really?" Jace asked, seeming a little shocked. "You won't have any trouble with no masturbating for _nine months_?"

"Well…" Clary turned a red brighter than the tomato sauce. "I'm a virgin."

Alec, who seemed almost bored before, suddenly stared at Clary with his full attention. "Really? You've never even touched yourself?"

Clary blushed even more. "No… I've always been so busy. I mean, who has the time for that?"

Jace and Alec both raised their hands simultaneously, than looked at each other, blushing and quickly pulled their hands back down.

"But we don't need to anymore," Alec stammered nervously. "Because we have each other. And we can do that to each other. Because we are together. Because we are both gay. And we are-"

"Alec, shut up."

Just then the oven dinged, making both Clary and Alec jump. Jace smiled and sang "dinner's ready!"


	4. You Have Cancer

YOU HAVE CANCER

Clary sat in between Alec and Jace as they waited for their turn to see Dr. Bane, one of the most successful artificial insemination experts in the city. Alec sat slumped in his chair, scooched as far away from Clary as possible while playing Flappy Bird on his phone.

Clary sat awkwardly and quietly as Jace tried, for the seventh time, to engage in conversation.

"So… Are you excited to not have your period for nine months?"

Clary blushed a bright scarlet that made her complexion blend into her hair. "Uh, yeah I guess… Look, could we maybe just sit quietly while we wait? I'm a little nervous."

"Is this your first time being pregnant?" Jace asked, then realizing his question, shut his mouth and sat back in his chair.

A tall man with brown hair and a devilish smirk walked out of the doctor's office door with a clip board. "Clarissa Fray," he called, leaning away from the door to let the three pass. As Clary walked by, she looked at the man's name tag. _Denis D._ So this was not Dr. Bane. His assistant maybe?

Denis walked Clary and the boys into a large, tastefully decorated doctor's office, where he sat Clary down next to what looked like a dentists chair with leg braces on the sides. Clary was not at all anxious to get in that chair.

"Dr. Bane will be with you in a moment." Denis turned and picked up a magazine from the desk and handed it to Jace with a small glass cup. "Go to the end of the hall, third door on the right. If you need any help, just call," he said with a seductive wink.

Jace turned a hilarious shade of white, making Denis chuckle. "I'm just fucking with you. Go have some fun."

Jace stood up and quickly left the room without looking back at Denis. He practically ran to the end of the hall and flung the door open, slamming it behind him. He slumped down on the chair in the small room and tried to calm down as he started to flip through the magazine. Quickly he realized that, though they were all good looking, it was in fact filled with naked men in very compromising positions. _Damn it,_ Jace thought, a little disappointed.

Jace dug his phone out of his pocket and started flipping through the pictures, hoping he had something better than buff men viciously anal fisting each other. After flipping through a few, he saw the picture of Clary he had saved from the interviews a few days before. Jace blushed, though he wasn't sure why. Yes, she was very pretty, but the whole reason he was going through this procedure was because he knew he didn't want to be tied down by something as repellant and restraining as being in a _relationship_. But never the less, he stared at the picture, wondering why he was so… excited about her.

 _This could work._ Jace smiled.

**OoOoOoO**

A few moments after Jace left, Denis instructed Clary to change into a bland looking green hospital gown. Clary sent Alec to wait in the hall as she slipped out of her clothes and into the stiff fabric.

Soon after she was finished, Denis and Alec re-entered, followed by a tall, Asian looking man with high cheek bones and enough sparkling eye liner to hurt Clary's eyes. He wore a doctor's coat over a stylish outfit of tight black jeans and a fitted blue button-up shirt. Without looking up from his clipboard, he pointed at Clary, then the strange chair. "Sit down and spread your legs," he said kindly and not at all in a rappy way.

Clary hesitantly did as she was instructed, eyeing Alec as he turned away.

Once she was comfortable in her chair, Dr. Bane pulled up a stool and sat down in between Clary's legs. He held out his hand and Denis handed him a long, silver tool that made Clary cringe when she saw it.

"So when was your last check up?" Dr Bane asked casually as he fiddled and poked at Clary's private zone.

"Well, I've never really had one." Clary muttered, flinching at the touch of cold metal on somewhere that has never been touched by someone else before.

"Well that's strange, because your vagina is in perfect health."

"Uh, Dr Bane, could you maybe-"

"Oh sweetie, there's no need for formalities. I'm basically inside of you. Call me Magnus," He smiled at her from between her legs. He slipped off his gloves and put them on the tray of tools as he pushed away from Clary. "You can sit up now. We just need to wait for Mr. Herondale's… supplies."

Speak of the Devil and he shall appear. Just as Clary was about to close her legs, Jace opened the door, holding the small glass container. He looked up just in time to get a great view of Clary in all her glory.

Immediately he closed his eyes and blushed redder than Alec has ever seen. "Holy crap I'm so sorry I should have knocked I'm so sorry oh my god!"

"Oh calm down," said Magnus. "Haven't you ever seen a vagina before? They're quite lovely, really. Like a blooming rose, or a ham and cheese sandwich!"

Alec wondered why Jace was being so bashful and nervous, but decided not top worry about it.

Jace handed Denis the glass container and went to sit next to Alec in the corner of the room, bowing his head in what Alec would have assumed was shame if he didn't know Jace.

Clary, whose open legs would now be out of the boys view, sat back in the chair as Dr Bane put back on his glove.

"Denis, do the thing," he said. Denis pulled out a turkey baster and prepared Jace's juices for insertion. Once they were done, Clary stood up, a little wobbly, and took her small stack of clothes into the small room down the hall to change quickly.

When she returned, she sat down awkwardly next to Jace, who still wouldn't look at her.

"Alright, I have good news and bad news," said Magus, walking over to the small trio as he flipped through the pages on his clipboard. "The good news is, it should work. Clarissa, take a pregnancy test in about two weeks. If it's negative, wait another couple weeks before taking a test again. If it's positive, come back here and we'll have a look at you. The bad news is, you have cancer."

"What!?" said everyone, including Denis.

"Nah, I'm just fucking with you," he said, winking at Denis. "Everything was so awkward here that I thought I'd crack a joke to loosen the tension. You're fine. See you in a few weeks."

Magnus and Denis left the room to attend to other patients.

Alec stood up and cleared his throat. "So, we should get going now."

Clary and Jace stood up in unison, bumping into each other awkwardly as they walked through the door.

"Sorry about earlier," Clary whispered. "I know you're probably really uncomfortable with seeing that stuff."

"Well, on the bright side," Jace smiled down at her. "At least now I don't need to ask you if the carpet matches the drapes."


	5. Gaynial

GAYNIAL

Jace opened the car door for Clary as she stepped out onto the side walk. Alec walked around the car to meet the other two in front of the restaurant. Clary pulled down the skirt of her slight black dress before it could slip up any higher. They stepped into the St Raziel, one of the fanciest restaurants in town, and Jace led the small group to a table in the back. Already sitting at the table for six was a gorgeous and slender woman with long black hair and dark eyes to match. She wore an elegant red dress that glittered as she stood to shake Clary's hand.

"You must be Clary. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Isabelle, Alec's sister."

The girls shook hands and sat down across from each other at the table.

"My younger brother should be out of the bathroom soon," Isabelle smiled another glittering smile. "He's quite excited to meet you."

A door slammed open to the left, making Clary jump in her seat. A young boy, maybe sixteen or seventeen, came running to the table with more than the expected amount of excitement.

"Holy shit it's you!" Max said a bit too loudly. He smiled at Clary wildly, awkwardly bending over to hug her. "Welcome to the family, Candy Cane! Hey can I feel the baby kick?" Max got down on his knees and pressed his face against Clary's flat stomach. "I can hear the ocean!"

Jace reached over and yanked max to his feet. "That's enough."

"Jace, don't be so rough with your brother," Isabelle said, sipping her glass of champagne.

"Wait, brother?" Clary asked. "I thought he was Alec's brother."

Isabelle waved her hand as though to say _same thing._

Clary looked up at Alec, whose face was than Isabelle's dress.

"He's my adopted brother," Jace said calmly. "I lived with their family for a while after my parents died." Jace pulled out a chair next to Clary, pouring her a glass of water.

"Candy Cane? Really?" Clary looked at Max.

"Well, you have red hair and white skin so I- ugh," Max coughed as he recovered from Isabelle smacking him in the stomach.

"I take it Rat-Face is coming," Jace muttered to Isabelle across the table, nodding to the empty chair beside her. Isabelle, clearly too annoyed to answer him, simply rolled her eyes and pored some more champagne.

"Rat-Face?" Clary asked.

Jace nodded, pulling the champagne bottle from Isabelle before she could fill her glass again. "Izzy's pet hamster. Oh, sorry, her boyfriend." Jace slapped Max's hand as he tried to reach for the champagne bottle. Jace shook his head. "Maybe in a few years, kid."

There was a crash behind the group, followed by another crash and a string of swear words and apologies. "Sorry, let me help you with th-fuck! Stop moving, I'm trying to get the spaghetti out of your- oh, god I am so sorry really I-Shit!"

Clary turned around to see someone kneeling on the ground, their hands patting the floor in search of something that had fallen.

"Wait a second; I'd recognize that Jew-Fro anywhere! Simon?"

After finding his glasses, Simon stoop up and smiled at Clary. He ran to her, wrapping his long arms around her tiny body and spinning her around. "Clary-Berry! How long has it been? Like eleven years? God, you haven't grown an inch!"

Max pulled his lips away from the champagne bottle with a pop. "Uh, do you two know each other?"

Clary smiled. "We used to be best friends before I moved to Idris when I was thirteen. After that we lost connection. Even after I moved back to New York, I never had any way of contacting him."

"But now you're here!" Simon exclaimed, excitedly. They hugged again, laughing in each other's arms.

"I hate to ruin the moment," Max stood up from the table. "But couldn't you just check in a phone book?"

"Shut up, Maxi-Pad," Jace said, flicking his brother in the ear.

"Mom told you not to call me that!" Max whined like the little bitch Jace knew he was. Jace leaned over the table and started flicking both of Max's ears back and forth while Max tried and failed many times to swat his hands away. It was finally Isabelle who yanked the two boys apart.

"Dammit, Jace," She said, sitting back in her chair. "This is the first vagina I have a chance of being friends with since high school! Don't scare this one away too!"

"Jace didn't let you be friends with other girls?" Clary asked.

"Well," Isabelle chugged the last of her champagne. "It's more like they didn't want to be friends with me after Jace hit it and quit it."

Jace smirked. "At least I wrapped it before I tapped it!" He glanced at Simon. "I can only hope others will follow my example."

"But I thought you were gay," Clary asked, confused.

There was a pause in the group, until Isabelle broke the silence. "Our parents are very strict Catholics, so Jace spent most of his high school and adult life in gaynial."

"Yes," Alec said, leaning towards Clary. "He was in denial about being gay, until he met me. Well, he always knew me, but he had met me as not his brother, but his sexual gay lover. So now we are gay together, because we love each other more than any other gay person or straight person could ever love. And we are happy. And very, very gay."

"Ok, thank you Alec for clearing that up," Jace snapped impatiently.

Jace paid the bill for the night (shocker). The three got back into the Rolls Royce and drove back to Jace's Jesus Hut, which is Clary's new name for Jace's ostentatiously large mansion.

Once Clary was tucked tightly in her bed, Jace stood beside Alec in her doorway, with his hand on the light switch like a parent telling their child good night.

"Do you want us to read you a bedtime story?" Jace asked sarcastically.

"No," Alec slammed the door.


	6. My Loins are on Fire

MY LOINS ARE ON FIRE

"Well, I've got good news," Magnus said, looking at the screen that showed two distinct heart beats. "You've definitely got some bread cooking."

"That's great!" Jace cheered, hugging Alec enthusiastically. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

Denis, who was working at Magnus's desk, turned to Jace. "Calm down, Pretty Boy. It's only been a few weeks. The only thing it is right now is a potato."

Jace just rolled his eyes as Clary wiped off the blue goop from the ultrasound and pulled down her shirt to cover her stomach. The three walked out to the small sitting room where Isabelle, Simon and Max were playing charades. Max was standing in front of the two, waving one arm wildly and held his other hand to his mouth like he was talking into a radio. He continued his little act while Isabelle attempted to guess a million things at once. "Sex in the City? The Notebook? The Vow? Fifty Shades of Grey? Sixteen Candles? Mean Girls?"

Max stopped waving his arm, clearly exasperated. Simon leaned forward with a bored expression and opened his mouth like he was finally ready to give Max a break and say the answer.

"It's Star Wars," Clary said.

"Thank you!" Max said, plopping down on the empty chair. "At least someone here understands me."

"Anyway," Clary said with a big smile. "Good news! Dr. Bane said I'm pregnant!" She jumped excitedly and Isabelle gave her an enthusiastic hug.

"I say we celebrate," Simon said, standing up from his chair his a small groan.

"Sounds great," Alec rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I really need to get drunk."

"I have a great idea," Simon said, coming to stand with the group. "It's open mike night at Java Jones and my friend is reading some of his poetry. I promised I would go. We may as well all go together!"

"Is he any good?" Clary asked.

Simon hesitated. "Yeeaah… He's great!"

"As long as there's Irish coffee," Alec muttered.

**OoOoOoO**

The group entered the café and found a table close to the stage. The stage was dimly lit with a stool in the middle of the floor. In the background there was a low snapping recording playing. Suddenly the spotlights began to circle the stage in a dramatic, circus like way. A voice came on over the speaker, talking in a wrestling referee voice. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people who were dragged here by their friends," Jace raised his hand. "Please welcome the amazing, the spectacular, the phenomenal, the sexy, the totally non-virgin who does not live with his mom, and totally has a hot and non-fictional girlfriend, THE SEX MACHINE!"

A guy wearing his shaggy hair tucked into a beanie and low riding jeans that showed waaayyy more than Clary wanted to see slid on stage on his knees, tipping the mike stand onto his lap and began speaking in the same voice as the announcer. "Good evening, admirers."

Jace leaned in to Clary, whispering in her ear. "Did he just introduce himself?"

Clary giggled, before focusing on the speakers face. "Holy shit. Simon, you didn't tell me it was Eric! We need to leave!"

"Hey, common," Simon pushed Clary down back into her seat. "He's gotten better. Just give him a chance."

Eric cleared his throat obnoxiously into the microphone several times before swallowing whatever he had coughed up. He then turned to the audience dramatically and started what he probably, and very sadly what he had been working on for weeks.

"Ice burns as hot as fire,

My loins are on fire.

You are my only desire,

I wish I grew up in the shire.

You are my loins only desire,

Bitch, imma tap you like a faucet!"

Eric dropped the mike, whipping a stray tear from his eye and jumping off stage spread eagle, only to land on his face with a disgusting crack.

There was a shocked silence in the crowd as Eric bled on the floor. The only noise was coming from Max, who was giving Eric a standing ovation, balling like the bitch Jace knew he was. Max ran over to Eric's side, pulling him to his feet and wrapping his arms around him.

"That was beautiful, man," he sobbed into his shoulder. "It's like you read my mind!"

Clary turned to Simon. "I thought you said he got better!"

Simon shrugged. "It rhymed this time."

Clary frowned. "He literally rhymed fire with fire."

"Just shut up and let him have his moment."

Jace ripped Max from Eric a bit too violently. "Moment over. We're leaving."

Isabelle jumped out of her seat, excited. "We should all go to that new restaurant that just opened up in Times Square. We can stop at my apartment on the way to get changed."

"But we all look fine," Max said, wiping away the rest of the tears.

"Uh, no. Clary is wearing pregnant people clothes."

"She is pregnant."

"That's no excuse!" Isabelle snapped, strutting out the door. Everyone followed.

**OoOoOoO**

Clary walked out of Isabelle's bathroom, looking in the full length mirror. "I look ridiculous. There's no way I can pull off this dress! How do you wear this? It's so short!"

Isabelle smiled. "On me it's a shirt."

Clary groaned, tugging at the skin-tight fabric. "I'm sorry, I just can't pull this off. It's too slutty!"

"Careful," Isabelle said, walking over to Clary and began pulling her hair into an elegant up-do. "Those are my clothes. Common, I'm sure the boys will love it."

Clary covered her bare arms self-consciously. "Fine, but can I at least have a jacket?"

Isabelle rolled her eyes and handed her a pair of 9-inch stilettos and a small leather jacket. Clary was about to complain but she choked on her words after seeing Isabelle's death glare. The two girls exited the room, to see the boys not so patiently waiting in Isabelle's small kitchen.

"I spy with my sexy, luminous eyes," Jace said, looking around the room. His eyes landed on Clary and his jaw dropped to the floor. "Uuuhhh..."

"Is that like a shade of brown?" asked Max.

Isabelle rolled her eyes at her younger brother. She placed her hands on Clary's shoulders, as though she were a proud mother at a beauty contest. "So, doesn't she look great?"

"She looks like someone whose phone number should be written on a bathroom wall," Alec said, dumping the remainder of the whiskey from the bottle down his throat.

"Careful," Clary said with a sassy gleam in her eye. "These are your sister's clothes."

"Uuuhhh…" Max leaned over and whipped the drool from Jace's chin.

"Maybe we should leave before Jace decides he can't keep it in his pants anymore," Isabelle said, taking a leather jacket that was similar to Clary's from a hook.

"Don't be silly," Clary said with a smile. "Jace is as gay as Ellen DeGeneres!"

Alec placed the empty whiskey bottle on the counter. "Obviously she was talking about me because when I'm drunk I'm an easy target and Jace likes to get rappy sometimes."

"Ok, we're leaving," Isabelle walked out the door without a second glance. Jace tried to follow Max and Clary out, but Alec held him back.

"Could you at least try not to blow our cover?"

"Sorry, she just looked so-"

"No," Alec interrupted. "She looked like a slut."

"I thought she looked beautiful."

"What? Since when do you use any word to describe a woman that isn't hot, sexy, or fuckable?"

Jace smirked. "You forgot lickable."

"Just try and keep it in your pants please."

"Oh common, Alec; she's a nice girl. I'm sure if we told her we're not gay she wouldn't sue us for committing fraud."

"Fine," Alec said in his typical rant voice. "If you want to fuck her senseless, go ahead; I won't stop you. But just remember, she's pregnant with your child, and when you poke that kid in the eye and he comes out blind, you had better believe I'm going to tell that kid that daddy took away the gift of sight with his meat stick."

"Fine," Jace muttered, following Alec out the door.


	7. Jace, Hands off her Ass

JACE, HANDS OFF HER ASS

Clary spooned more oatmeal into her mouth, staring down at the Taki's menu, trying to decide what she should get for dessert. _Because dessert deserves to be after every meal._ Clary thought, dreaming of chocolate lava cake and ice cream sundaes. _With chocolate sauce, and whipped cream, and caramel sauce, and chocolate chips, and sprinkles, and banana slices, and raw cookie dough chunks, and a big, juicy cherr-_

"Oh, would you stop pouting already?" Jace said, interrupting her beautiful inner monologue, leaning over the table to grab the salt shaker, and dumping it over his eggs.

"She has every right to be upset," Isabelle said, delicately wiping the corner of her mouth with a napkin. "That was a beautiful dress that Max ruined. And may I add there is also a beautiful restaurant that we are not allowed back into. Ever."

"Oh, come on," Alec said, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure you could go back in a few weeks."

Isabelle shook her head at her brother. "They took our pictures. They took mug shots of us! All because of that stupid little kid."

"Give him a break! He's seventeen. Boys will be boys. It's not his fault he can't control himself!" Jace said, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation.

"It's easy for you to say that when you didn't have to walk out of there in a dress covered in…" Clary shivered, dropping her spoon on the table and curling up in a ball on the booth bench.

"I still don't see why you had to throw out the dress," Alec muttered.

Isabelle dropped the fork, getting ready to lay shit out for Alec. "It was a black dress, Alec. There was no way I would be able to get white stains out of a black dress."

Alec just rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you could rub it out-"

"Stop, stop, stop, don't use that word around me! Don't you ever say that word with me in the room again!" Clary covered her ears and began rocking back and forth in her seat.

"What," Alec cocked an eyebrow. "You don't like it when I say _rub_?"

Clary squealed, pulling herself into a tighter ball, leaning into Jace's side as though she could use him as a human shield against the awful _rubbing_.

"Alec, stop picking on Clary," Jace said, wrapping his arm around the tiny redhead. "Max just spilled some clam chowder on her, everyone calm down and get over it already."

"Yeah, but he spilled it on her boob," Isabelle pointed out. "then tried, _very hard_ , to rub it out!"

Clary whimpered.

As though her pain reminded Jace of something important, Jace suddenly pushed Clary away and stood up. "I almost forgot! We have baby yoga in twenty minutes!"

Alec sunk into his chair, clearly hoping Jace would have forgotten. He leaned over to his sister. "Wait, Isabelle, wasn't I supposed to hang out with Max in twenty minutes… Exactly twenty minutes?"

Isabelle tried to hide her smirk behind her napkin.

"Or, don't we have that thing that we were supposed to go to?" Alec pleaded.

"What thing?" Isabelle asked.

"You know, that _thing._ "

"OOOOOOOHHHH, that thing," Isabelle winked at her brother. "No, I canceled that thing. And don't worry, I can occupy Max for a while. Now you're all free to go and spend time with Jace and Clary. I know how much you were _sssooo_ looking forward to _baby yoga_." Isabelle stood up and left before another word could be said.

Jace fist pumped, grabbed Clary by the wrist and started walking out with her in tow, calling for Alec to follow. Alec groaned in protest, standing up and dragged himself out the door.

**OoOoOoO**

"Hi everyone," the yoga instructor said, smiling even bigger, making Clary think that her face was going to crack in half. "My name is Lana Doobie, and I'm here to help you and your partner find inner peace and zen, so that you can both bring your wonderful babies into this zenful world so that they too can find their zen."

"What the fuck do you think she smokes?" Alec asked, leaning forward to see around Clary, talking to Jace; who wasn't paying any attention to anything but the instructor.

Clary snorted. "I don't know but whatever it is, that must be some good shit."

"It's not even Mary Jane at this point," Alec muttered through his smirk. "It's just full out shrooms!"

The two giggled like children, until Alec suddenly sobered, as though he was just remembering something, and turned away.

Instructor Doobie told all the women to stand up and start doing some standard squats, and asked their partners to cheer them on. All the women stood on their mats, squatting, while their husbands and boyfriends encouraged them half-heartedly across the room.

Jace went to stand behind Clary. "Is this really necessary?" She asked.

"Yes. Here, let me help. You're doing it wrong." Jace put one hand on her shoulder and the other on the back of her thigh. Being touched like this made Clary a bit uncomfortable, but she reminded herself Jace was just being nice. He and Alec were _severely_ gay for each other.

"Look at this," Instructor Lana said, looking over at Jace and Clary. "These two are the perfect team. Look how they fit together like Yin and Yang. Your zens really complement each other," she smiled wider, which was a bit creepy.

Clary blushed, but Jace smiled. "Thanks," he said, his hand sliding up Clary's thigh.

"Hey," Alec called from across the room. "Jace, hands off her ass!"

Jace looked bashful as he lowered his hand to behind Clary's knee, so he was crouching. "Sorry," he said, almost blushing.

"It's fine," Clary said reassuringly. "It's not like you're a pervert. You're gay."

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, yeeaaah…" Jace's awkward smile widened.

When the class was over, Jace said a smiley goodbye to the even more smiley instructor Lana. He led the trio out the door with an enthusiastic kick in his step. "Wasn't that great?" He asked the others.

Clary and Alec only grunted.


	8. It Looks like a Peanut

IT LOOKS LIKE A PEANUT

_Two months pregnant_

Clary lay on the examination table with her shirt pushed up to just above her belly button, waiting for Dr. Bane to come back from the bathroom. Denis stood at his boss's desk, playing with the model vagina that sat next to the computer. Jace sat next to Clary, twirling his thumbs awkwardly. Alec sat at the other end of the room, playing angry birds on his phone on full volume; clearly not giving two shits about what's happening.

The door to the office opened as Magnus entered, pulling on his latex gloves. Alec looked up just as he entered.

"Hey doc, settle an argument for us." Alec shoved his phone into his pocket and smirked at Clary. "Tell the little ginger that the tool you used was _not_ a turkey baster!"

Magnus walked over to his desk, opened a drawer and pulled out the tool that he used to inseminate Clary. "This thing?" he asked, holding a clear tube with a blue top. "Yeah, this is a turkey baster."

" _What?"_ Alec stammered.

"Yeah," Magnus slipped the turkey baster back into his drawer. "I used to have the actual tool thingy, but Denis broke it when he was trying to-"

Denis suddenly flung the model vagina across the room. It hit the wall and the clay uterus and fallopian tubes fell to the ground in pieces.

"Hey," Magnus exclaimed in outrage. "I made that in arts and crafts in the 7th grade! Dammit Denis!" Dr. Bane turned back to Clary abruptly. "Any who, shall we look at your fetus?"

Denis and Magnus nudged each other grudgingly as they made their way to the ultrasound machine. Denis squirted  **(AN: heehee, Denis squirted…)** the blue gel onto his hand and began fondling Clary's stomach. Just as his hand began to dip lower, Jace stepped in and slapped his hand away. "That's enough, thank you."

Denis looked up at Jace and raised his eyebrows in a way that could have been mistaken for flirting, if Jace didn't know any better. He stepped towards the desk and started to play with a second clay vagina on Magnus's desk, (he had quite a few, though apparently the one Denis smashed was his favourite.)

Magnus put the thingamabob **(AN: holy shit that's actually in my computer's dictionary! It's a word! Whyyy!)** on Clary's stomach and rubbed it back and forth in a very non-sexual way. They all looked up at the screen to see gray and black static that made very little sense to Clary. Jace however, must have understood what he was seeing, because he took Clary's hand and squeezed it, a slight smile curling on his lips.

"Hear that?" Magnus asked as they all listened to the faint thumping coming from the screen. "That's the heartbeat."

Jace sniffled quietly. He cleared his throat, "Excuse me, I need to go and… I have to look at the- open the window and… find out what time it is."

Denis smirked, "There's a window in here, jackass."

"I didn't want to use vulgar language in front of a lady, but I have to take a colossal shit. Really, I'm already crowning." Jace left the room in a slow run, his hands clenched at his sides.

Magnus put away the ultrasound thingy and handed Clary a tissue to wipe off her stomach. He turned to follow Jace out the door.

"Magnus," Denis said, setting the vagina down on the desk. "Leave the boy alone, he has a dump to unload."

Magnus sucked his teeth. "Shut up," Magnus threw a handful of glitter and made his grand exit.

Magnus approached Jace in the hall, who was leaning against the wall, sniffling lightly. "Hey kid, you alright?"

Jace looked up at the doctor and smiled. "It looks like a peanut."

Magnus put his hand on his shoulder. "I know."

The door to Magnus's office opened and Alec rounded the corner. Jace, not wanting to be seen crying, wiped his eyes and returned to see Clary.

"So, are you excited to be a father?" Magnus asked, in an attempt to make awkward conversation.

"Yes," Alec turned red. "Of course I will be a father to the fetus that is now growing inside the ginger, because I will help raise it, because I am its father… Its other father. Because me and Jace are together. Because we lo-"

"That's nice," Magnus patted his shoulder, making Alec turn purple. "Um, you just turned purple, so you should probably try breathing. Just a thought."

Alec smiled so very awkwardly as he opened his mouth and gasped wildly for the air he so dramatically needed. "Good job," Magnus patted his shoulder twice and went back inside, Alec right behind him.

When they entered the room Alec saw Denis sitting at Magnus's computer, on one of those websites where you upload a picture of you and your partner and get to see what your baby would look like. He was currently uploading a picture of him and Chris Evans, both wearing Captain America costumes.

Magnus looked over and saw Jace, sitting next to Clary with one hand on her shoulder and the other on her stomach, whispering and smiling.

Magnus smirked.

**OoOoOoO**

Clary squished down the top bread on her peanut butter and gummy worm sandwich. "So I took the liberty of checking both your schedules, and since you're both free, I called a taxi to take you to that hot gay club in town. Wear neon colours."

"What?" Jace wined. "But I don't want to go!"

"Too bad, I already called and paid the taxi."

"Fine," Alec said, clearly not wanting to fight it. "But at least let us call Max."

"Already did," she said around a mouthful of sticky gummy worms. "He should be at the door any second."

As if on Q, Max burst through the door and set a large box on the counter. "Clary, set up the TV, we're doing a Triple M, I brought the snacks. And Nerf guns. And Avengers Clue." He smiled, then looked at Jace. "I ordered pizza. Need money." He held out his hand expectantly. Jace sighed and handed him a 20. Max raised an eyebrow, making Jace slap another 20 into his palm. He didn't move, and Jace rolled his eyes, handing him a 50.

"That's better," Max smirked, pocketing the 90 dollars.

"Wait," Alec walked around the kitchen island. "What's a Triple M?"

"It's a Marvel Movie Marathon, Alec get your head out of your ass!" Max rolled his eyes.

"Now get out so we can eat and check out Chris Evans!" Clary said, playfully shoving Jace towards the door.

"I'm way hotter than Chris Evans," Jace mumbled grumpily, as Alec followed him out the door.


	9. Straighter Than a Stripper Pole

STRAIGHTER THAN A STRIPPER POLE

"Are you sure you should be driving?" Jace asked the taxi driver, who's ID said his name was Poussé **(AN: If you don't know what that's from than please, kindly GTFO) (AN: It's from Orange is the New Black, by the way… We know Poussé is a black woman but fuck the police)** In the Identification photo, Poussé seemed to still have both his eyes. Jace glances nervously at Alec, who was trying very hard not to look at the man's empty eye socket. Poussé's remaining eye seemed unable to look up farther than the dashboard.

"Yes, I am fine to drive," said the Chinese-Indian, who strangely had a French accent. He rolled his Rs in a way that made Jace think he was joking, but he kept the accent consistent while he talked. "If you are wondering, my father was Chinese and my mother was Indian. They met in Italy. Then they moved to Frrrrrance." Poussé said, answering the question that no one gave enough fucks to ask. He made a sharp left turn, driving half on the curb, confirming Jace's suspicions on whether he could drive. Alec, who couldn't buckle up because the seatbelt on his side seemed to have been chewed off by a rabid dog, fell towards Jace. His arm went to the side to catch himself before he fell face first into Jace's crotch. Though what happened wasn't much better. Alec's hand fell into Jace's lap, making him grab a handful of balls. Both the buys turned a bright shade of red.

"Hey, no doing weird gay stuff in my car; save it for the club. If I can, you can. If you jizz in my car I'll bring my big black boyfriend, DeQuan to handle you in a dark alley. And not the way we gays like to be handled."

"So anyway," Jace tried to change the subject, asking as politely as possible. "What's with your eye?"

Poussé answered without looking up from the dashboard. "I lost it in Nam. Not during the war or anything. I was visiting my cousin, White Pedro. He works at an ice cream shop. One drunken night, I was asleep and he thought my head was a tub of ice cream. Good old White Pedro. He served my eyeball to a nine year old girl the next day."

The car pulled up to a warehouse painted with neon graffiti on the outside, the sign above the door reading "Dick on Dick."

Jace opened his door, stepping out of the yellow cab. Poussé rolled down his window just as the boys were walking towards the door. "By the way, tell them Poussé sent you. They'll let you right in. I'll be here to pick you up at midnight. Also if you see DeQuan, tell him I'm sorry for kissing his son."

Alec handed him half his pay, and grabbed Jace's wrist, bolting towards the door.

The bouncer, a four foot tall, four foot wide black man, stood by the rope at the door, letting in a couple of people every once in a while. On his forehead, printed in bold tattoo ink read the words I AM DEQUAN. Jace approached cautiously. "Umm, hi. Poussé sent us. He's sorry for kissing you son… and he really wants us to party with some gay guys… so can you let us in?"

The man's eyes filled with tears. "Of course," he said in a disturbingly high pitched voice that suggested steroid abuse. "Anything for my Poussé."

The warehouse was flooded with bright, flashing lights, the dance floor full of people dancing a little too close.

"This might not be so bad," Jace said, smiling back at a guy that winked at him. "It might be nice to get hit on for a change."

Alec pretended to look offended. "I know I work too much. I promise to appreciate you more."

Jace look at him with a blank expression. "Alec, did you just make a funny?"

Alec rolled his eyes. "I need a drink."

"Oh, me too! Let's get some chocolate margaritas!" Jace flicked his wrist mockingly.

Jace and Alec walked towards the bar, and Jace immediately ordered twenty shots. Alec ordered water.

The bartender looked up at Jace as she poured another shot. She looked strangely familiar. He couldn't quite put his finger on where he'd seen her before, until he noticed the cross hanging from her neck. "Holy shit, _Aline Penhallow?_ "

She smiled. "Hey, Poussé told me you'd be here. I just wanted to say that your speech was really inspirational and it made me finally accept myself. I'd introduce you to my girlfriend, Helen, but she's on the other end bartending right now."

Alec stole one of Jace's shots off the counter. "Poussé seems to be really popular around here. Does he come here often?"

"Well I hope so," Aline said, taking a shot for herself. "He owns the place. He lives in the loft upstairs. Anyway, have a nice night. The shots are on me," she said, offering them one last smile before turning to yell at a guy that threw up on the bar.

Jace downed shot after shot until they were all gone, clearly convinced that he couldn't exist here without being completely hammered. He stumbled away from the bar, nearly falling on his face before someone caught him. He was tall and slim, his green cat-like eye lined with glitter.

Jace looked up at the smiling Dr. Bane. "Hey I know you," he slurred. "You- you helped make peanut. You remember Peanut, the fetus baby peanut," he said, his hands sliding around Magnus's face.

Alec sipped his water. "Peanut?"

Magnus just waved his hand, as though to swat the question away. "Long story."

Denis appeared out of nowhere, taking Jace from Magnus and letting him lean on his shoulder. "Hey, Blondie. Want to dance?"

Jace smiled, half asleep. "Do I want to- of course I want t- you don't even gotta ask lover boy!"

Denis scooped up Jace, bridal style, and spun on his heels towards the dance floor. "Later boys," he said before throwing a handful of glitter and walking away.

"Do you two always just have pockets full of glitter?" Alec asked, as he swatted the sparkling confetti away from his face.

"It's always important to be able to make a proper exit when needed. Can I buy you a drink? A real one," Magnus said, looking at the glass of water in Alec's hand.

Alec ordered rum and coke with lime, and Magnus ordered something called a "Strawberry Marilyn Monroe," which appeared to me a tall, fizzy pink drink with strawberry wedges on the side of the glass.

They both turned, resting their elbows on the bar, so they could face the dance floor.

"What in God's name is that boy doing?" Magnus asked, jabbing his chin towards Jace, who was standing in front of Denis, moving his arms in small circles above his head and popping his chest.

"That's his drunk dance. Max calls it the Erotic Butterfly. Jace has never been a good drunk, or a good dancer. He only knows how to grind and do the Macarena."

"That makes sense; he's used to feeling ass on him, and not putting his ass on someone else."

Alec laughed. "Yeah, I gues- wait what?"

"Oh please, that boy is straighter than a stripper pole."

Alec swore under his breath, and went on to explain his and Jace's situation.

"You can't tell anyone. Especially not the ginger," Alec said, after concluding his story.

Magnus popped one of the strawberry wedges into his mouth. "Well, I can't make any promises. I have a bit of a big mouth, and don't even get me started on Denis."

 _Of course Denis knows,_ Alec thought.

"Please, I'll do anything," he begged.

"Alright," Magnus smiled mischievously. "I won't tell anyone about Blondie liking vag _if_ you go on a date with me."

Alec turned his classic color of red, downed the rest of the rum and nodded his head. "I guess I'll just have to take one for the team."

"Oh please," Magnus said, leaning in close enough for Alec to kiss if he wanted to. And he wanted to. "Don't pretend you don't want it."

Magnus pulled away suddenly when Jace flung himself onto Alec, wrapping his arms around his neck. "I love you man, you know you're like the greatest brother a guy could ask for. I'm so glad my parents died so I could live with you. I mean, I'm not happy about my parents dying. I'm actually kind of sad now." Jace sat down at the bar, letting his face fall flat onto the counter, and began balling his eyes out.

"Ok, you need water," Alec said, waving Aline over. He forced seven glasses of water down Jace's throat before his mindless babble actually turned into something more or less coherent. "Almost… Midnight." Jace mumbled. Alec checked his watch in a panic. It was 11:58pm. Poussé would be waiting outside. Alec grabbed Jace's arm and they rushed out the door. Magnus followed them outside, grabbing Alec by the arm.

"Wait!" Magnus stroked Alec's face tenderly. "When will I see you again?"

Alec looked at him, confused. "No, seriously," Magnus said. "You never set another appointment."

"Oh, umm, I'll call you."

"Please do," Magnus said, winking.

Alec turned, his face flaming **(AN: as well as the rest of him)** and got in the taxi next to Jace.

It wasn't until he got home that he noticed that he was missing one of his sneakers. It must have fallen off while he was running towards the car.

Poussé let them out at the curb, saying he didn't feel like driving up Jace's long driveway, because his knee's been giving him trouble since White Pedro sniffed exotic glue and thought his knee was a golf tee.

The boys walked silently down Jace's never ending driveway, until they finally reached the house. They entered through the garage as quietly as possible, hoping not to wake Max and Clary.

They walked into the living room, where Avengers: Age of Ultron was still playing on the TV. **(AN: So, if Max was born in 1998 and he's 17 now, that means that it's 2016 and Age of Ultron would totally be out by then, so fuck your logic and mine because they have it one blueray. _Aditional Authors Note: This was written in 2015. Thank you, that is all._ ) **They could barely see the TV, that was mostly hidden behind the enormous pillow fort that Clary and Max were asleep in. Clary lay peacefully on her back, under a fluffy blanket, with a pillow tucked under her head. Jace thought she looked as peaceful as an angel.

Max lay with one of his legs still on the couch, his butt high in the air, covered in pizza sauce. He was surrounded by empty pizza boxes. The only one with actual pizza in it was open under his face; a slice still shoved half way into his mouth.

"That's your brother," Jace said, pointing to Max, whose hand was for some reason full of whipped cream. He used his big toe to tickle Max's cheek, making him swat at his face. Jace cackled.

"He's your brother too," Alec said.

"Yeah, but not by blood. Anyway, we should bring them upstairs."

"Pretty, pretty Clary," Max mumbled.

"Never mind," Jace said, scooping Clary up into his arms. "He can stay."

"Oh come one, just because you guys like the same girl and he probably has a better chance with her even though he's seventeen, because she thinks your gay and kind of married doesn't mean that you need to act like a grade school bully about it." Alec said. "He'll get a sore neck if we leave him."

"I found… Alec's oreos…" Max mumbled.

Alec looked enraged. "That little fuck better not have eaten them."

"Ate them… all… Don't tell Alec… Ssssshhhhh…" Max brought his whipped cream covered finger to his lips.

"God, I wish we had a dungeon." Alec's eye twitched

"I mean, we do have that room in the basement that we don't use. The walls are covered in pipes that you could chain him to."

"Damn," Alec swore. "I don't have handcuffs."

"I have some upstairs in my sex drawer. I mean my office. I mean… no, yeah my sex drawer." Jace said, now stroking Clary's red hair like she was a cat. "Anyway, I'm taking her upstairs. Are you coming?"

"Nah, I'm gonna stay here and draw on this little fucker's face. I'll show him what it means to eat _my_ oreos!"

"Mmkay, have fun, honey buns." Jace smirked.

"Don't call me that," Alec blushed, glancing self-consciously at his butt.

"But we're in a relationship!" Jace said mockingly, dragging out the A. "Because we love each other, and we're gay for each other, and one of us is clearly a better liar than the other."

"Shut up, it's because of me that no one has figured out that you're straighter than a stripper pole." Alec said, surprising himself with his quoting Magnus.

"Really, you mean like how Magnus and Denis didn't find out?" Jace said, turning on his heels and skipping up the stairs. He turned back at the last step and called back, "have fun on your date with Magnus!"

He laid Clary down on her bed, pulling the covers over her. Just before he left, he leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. He contemplated touching her boob, but decided against it. He turned off the light and looked back at her one last time before slowly shutting the door.

"Oh, hurry the fuck up already," Alec said from the hallway. "I'm already done drawing on Max's face. I gave him the Hitler mustache and everything. Did it really take you that long to decide not to touch her boob? Perv."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse all the author's notes in this story. It is all very cringy but you need to understand that this was written in 2015. It was a different time, before cellphones and other recreational technology


	10. Tried to Escape 14 Times

TRIED TO ESCAPE 14 TIMES

_3 months pregnant_

Max slammed the door behind him. "I can't believe you let them send me there!" He yelled at Jace, who was carrying his suit case into the living room.

"Clam down," Jace set the bag down on the couch. "It was only three weeks."

Max squinted at Jace like he was retarded. "I learn _fifteen_ gospel songs in _two days!_ I can recite the bible by heart. On the way here, mom made me stop at the abortion clinic to preach God!" He paused to take a breath before continuing. "I had to make a paper meshed sculpture of Jesus! Mom's going to put it on the Christmas tree! Do you know what this means?" He grabbed Jace by the shoulders and shook him. "I can never go outside again! Someone from that place might recognize me!"

Jace pushed Max off and rolled his eyes. "It couldn't have been that bad."

Max grabbed his brother's shoulders again. "I tried to escape _fourteen times_ before I finally accepted that I would probably die before I tasted bacon again!"

Alec scoffed. "Only fourteen times? I remember my time at bible camp. I tried to get out twenty-eight times before they finally sedated me for the rest of the two and a half weeks I was there."

Max smiled. "The only reason you're not a legend is because you never made it out."

"I did make it out," Alec said. "After seven subway sandwiches and hiding under my bed for two days, Mom and Dad finally found me and sent me back."

"That's why your picture is on the wall of fame. Right next to Moses." Max smiled.

"Anyway," Jace interrupted. "We got pizza."

"Thank Satan," Max pushed past the two boys, walking towards the kitchen. "I've been choking down the body and blood of Christ for the past month."

"They served you wine?"

"Nah, it might have been grape juice. But then again, it might have been blood. I'm not sure."

"Glad to know that place hasn't changed you."

The boys entered the kitchen and Max attacked the pizza box, devouring three pieces in one bite. Clary rounded the corner with an empty pizza box in her hand and tomato stains on the white shirt that Jace recognised as his. Jace took the empty pizza box from Clary and went to the garage to recycle. Because Jace is not an ass to the environment. Don't litter, kids.

"Clary!" Max screamed, violently throwing his arms around her and tenderly stroking her hair. "You have no idea what it's like to touch a human being after so long with no physical contact whatsoever!" Max pulled away, slightly, so he could look at her face. "You got bigger."

Clary, who just before was picking pizza out of her teeth, began to hyperventilate. Her eyes welled with tears. "YOU THINK I'M FAT?"

Max backpedaled so fucking fast he almost got whiplash. "No- no- n- no no no, the baby is fat."

She squealed like a stuffed pig. "You think my baby is fat?" she squeaked.

"What? No! You're pregnant!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

Max turned to Jace, who just re-entered the room. "Help me!"

Jace grabbed Clary and wrapped his arms around her protectively, wiping away her tears with his shirt. "It's ok, Clare-Bear. I promise I'll beat Maxi-Pad. Do you want me to take you to the grocery store? I'll get you whatever you want."

"Whatever I want?" Clary repeated.

"Whatever you want," Jace nodded his head and led Clary towards the garage, shooting Max the finger over his shoulder.

**OoOoOoO**

"I'm hungry," Clary moaned from the passenger seat.

"We're on the way to the store now; you can have a snack there."

"But I'm hungry _nooow_!" Clary complained.

Jace sighed in exasperation and pulled into the McDonalds drive thru. Clary leaned over Jace, out of the driver side window, and spoke into the mic. "Uh, hi, I'll have three Big Macs, heavy all on all of them. Two Angus burgers, again heavy all. Four chicken wraps, extra chicken, extra cheese, extra mayo, extra lettuce. Some chicken nuggets, like thirty chicken nuggets. All extra crispy, and give me like five of every kind of sauce. I'll have a hamburger happy meal, with extra fries and an extra burger, cheese on both. Don't forget the toy. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand a diet coke."

Clary leaned away from the window, looking pleased with herself as Jace began to drive away. "Wait!" she screamed, and Jace looked at her in shock, before he realized what she wanted and threw the car into reverse. "Diet is bad for the baby," she said. She leaned over him again and threw herself halfway out the window. "I'd like to change the last part of my order. Instead of a diet coke, I'll have a regular coke, please. And a chocolate shake. Both large." She looked at Jace. "Do you want anything?"

Jace shook his head. "I'll just have some of your fries."

Clary nodded her head and leaned back out the window. "And an extra fry. Large." As they finally pulled away from the speaker, Clary shook her head, muttering to herself. "The fuck does he think he is. 'I'll have some of your fries,' the hell you will bitch."

Jace smiled. He wasn't sure if he was meant to hear any of that.

As they pulled away from McDonalds, Clary buried in bags of food, Jace managed to snatch a single fry before the rest were devoured by the vacuum that was Clary Fray.

Once they reached the grocery store, Clary bolted from the car and ran into the building like it was on fire and she left her chicken inside. Jace tried to keep up with her, but even though his legs much longer, that bitch could run. Shit, she was motivated.

Jace took his time walking to the door, while Clary attempted to tear apart the chain that held the carts together. Jace, finally reaching the door, handed Clary a quarter. She jammed it into the slot and pulled out the cart, running towards the cake isle. _Oh god._

By the time Jace caught up with her, the cart already contained a box of cake mix and seven tubs of icing. "Uh, Clary… Why do you need seven tubs of icing for one cake?"

Clary snatched the cake mix from his hands. "I'm not going to actually make the cake. I'll eat it in the shower, god!" She threw the box back into the cart and waddled into the cereal aisle. She grabbed a box of Lucky Charms, opened it, dumped half the content into her mouth and swallowed in one bite. She tossed the box into the cart and kept walking. Jace knew things would take a turn for the worst when she shuffled over to the meat section and began looking at the whole pigs. _Shit._

Jace ran to Clary, shoving over a small child in the process but not really caring. "Clary," He said, trying to pull her away from the meat. "I'm making salad and chicken stir fry for dinner. Those will go bad in a day; we won't be able to eat it."

Clary looked at him innocently. "Yeah, we're having chicken stir fry with a side of whole pig."

"N-no."

"Jace, if you're worried about wasting food, don't worry. I'll eat it all. Really, I won't even need your help."

"No, Clary, I'm not buying you a whole pig. That's disgusting."

"You think I'm disgusting?"

"No, I think that's disgusting."

"You think I'm disgusting." Clary began to sniffle, wiping her eyes as though there were tears.

Jace rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said, lifting the pig into the cart.

"Yay!" Clary said, then telling him to put that pig back. She wanted the bigger one.

Once they were finally back in the car, it was dark outside. The trunk and back seats were stuffed with every kind of food ever. They drove down the highway in silence.

"I'm hungry," Clary muttered.

"Well, we're almost home. I'm going to make dinner as soon as we finish unloading the gro-"

"I'm hungry now."

"Then why don't you get one of your snacks from the back?" Jace asked, keeping his eyes on the road.

"I want KFC."

"Clar-"

Clary grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it towards her, making the car take a hard right into the KFC parking lot.

"Clary, you're not eating KFC, it'll ruin your appetite for dinner."

Clary looked into Jace's eyes as if this were the most meaningful thing she ever said. "I promise you, it won't,"

Take a wild guess on who she made get out of the car and get her three buckets of chicken. I'll give you a hint; it wasn't the little redhead that was sitting in the car, eating a precooked chicken, waiting for her chicken.

Finally, _finally,_ after two more food stops, a bathroom break, and Clary making Jace pull over so she could pet the dog that was being walked, they pulled into the driveway. What would usually have been a ten minute drive for Jace took him almost two hours.

He looked over at Clary, who was asleep in the passenger seat, covered in chicken bones and barbeque sauce. He smiled. _She looks so beautiful._

He got out of the car and walked over to her side, unbuckling her seat belt and wiping the barbeque sauce from her face with his thumb. He carried her upstairs to her room as gently as he could; only hitting her head on the wall twice.

Once he reached her room, Jace set her down on the bed. Clary grabbed his wrist as he pulled away. "Is dinner ready? I'm hungry."

Jace smiled. "Not yet, but I'll come and get you when it is."

Clary smiled peacefully. "Ok, don't eat my pig."


	11. I Thought You Were Jace

I THOUGHT YOU WERE JACE

Alec closed the bathroom door behind him, climbing into bed next to Jace. God, it's been horrible sharing a room with Jace. Once Alec was finally lying down, his aching muscles relaxing into the mattress, Jace rolled over and put his arm around him.

"Wanna cuddle?"

"Don't _fucking_ touch me," Alec muttered, throwing his arm off him.

Jace placed his hand on Alec's shoulder tenderly. "Babe, are you tense? Do you want me to rub your shoulders?"

Alec swatted Jace's hand away. "Seriously, I had to work overtime at the office. I need to sleep."

"Well maybe we should do something to help you sleep," Jace joked. "I think I know how to…" he hand dipped down Alec's stomach, reaching for his pants, "release the tension."

Alec rolled his eyes. He knew there was only one way to make Jace quit it. He needed to cross the line not even Jace would cross. Alec rolled over and straddled Jace, holding his arms down above him. "You don't know how long I've been waiting for this," Alec said in the sexiest voice he could muster. He bent over, dragging his tongue across Jace's neck in a very Maureen-like way.

Jace squealed and squirmed, pushing Alec off him. "Okay, okay, okay, okay, you win!"

Alec chuckled. This was the first time he had ever won gay chicken against Jace. Alec tried not to think about how it felt to be on top of Jace as he fell asleep.

**OoOoOoO**

Alec was shaken from his dream like a slap in the face. Metaphorically and literally. He groaned in exasperation and exhaustion, moving Jace's limp and sleeping hand from his face. He rolled over, shut his eyes, and tried to lull himself back to unconsciousness with delicious thoughts of Dr. Magnus Bane. He smiled. Alec was actually quite excited for their date… whenever it will be. He was almost back to sleep when suddenly he felt a body of warmth very close behind him. _Oh Jesus fucking Christ._ Jace was spooning him. The blond boy leaned forward towards Alec's ear, whispering a name; _Clary's_ name. _Nope,_ Alec thought, jumping from the bed and heading downstairs.

He sat down in the living room with his favorite book on psychology. He'd been exhausted after the horrible meeting with Mr. and Mrs. Branwell, who refuse to agree on what to spend their savings on. While Mr. Branwell wants to buy more tech for his inventions, Charlotte is more interested in her investment in her hat collection. Alec rubbed his temples. God his job was just one huge headache. He wished he had something to distract him.

A sudden clang rang out through the house, startling Alec. He knew that sound. He knew what it meant.

Alec threw his book down and bolted to the kitchen. No one, _no one_ touches his Oreos!

He grabbed the bat from the coat closet. Jace crossed the line this time.

Alec waited around the corner for the opportune moment to pounce. Just as he was sure the enemy's back was turned, he rounded the corner, bat swinging. "NOT TODAY GOLDIE-LOCKS!"

Clary dropped the Oreos on the counter, lifting her arms to shield her face. She screamed around the Oreo already halfway in her mouth.

"What the hell are you doing?" Alec asked, who had stopped mid-swing but was not lowering the bat.

Clary chewed and swallowed the Oreo in her mouth, making Alec flinch. "Why do you have a bat?"

"I thought you were Jace!"

"You were going to hit your boyfriend with a bat?"

Alec held the bat higher, ready to swing. "Don't change the subject, you know what you did!"

Clary held up her hands to show that she was unarmed. "What did I do?"

"You ate **_MY OREOS_**!" When Alec was angry enough, he had the ability to speak in italics and bold, underlining his words.

**OoOoOoO**

Jace opened his eyes lazily and stared into the darkness. He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He listened to the muffled cries coming from the kitchen as he inched his way downstairs. Each step made the voice more and more clear. He could hear that it was Alec and Clary arguing.

"I don't see your name on it," Clary said in a very uncharacteristically sassy voice.

"It's right there in blue marker!" Alec retorted.

"The package is blue! Who would notice that?" Clary yelled.

"Stop making excuses you **_BUTTHOLE_**!" Wow, Alec was really angry. Jace could practically hear the bold italics in his voice.

"Did you seriously just call me a butthole? What are you, ten?"

"Yeah, ten inches deep in your mom!" Alec screamed, before realizing what he said. "I'm sorry, that was almost uncalled for."

Jace rounded the corner to the kitchen. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, there will be no foul language in this house! What happened?"

Alec threw his metal bat on the ground like a child who just struck out in peewee baseball. "Clary ATE **_MY OREOS_**!"

"Clary, put down the Oreos very, very slowly and calmly walk over to me. Go around Alec, come on, no sudden movements." Jace held out his hand for Clary, wrapping his arm around her protectively.

As they exited the room, Clary glanced back to see Alec giving her a death glare. "you'll rue the day," he mouthed to her.

"I don't understand," she muttered to Jace as they walked to the stairs. "They're just or-"

Jace shushed her. "It's ok, you're safe now."

**OoOoOoO**

Max slung his book bag over his shoulder and walked into the kitchen to grab an apple for breakfast. Just as he entered the kitchen he saw Alec sitting at the counter surrounded by food and strange looking tools, muttering to himself.

"Stupid butthole thinks she can touch my Oreos. I'll show her. She won't get away with this, no she won't."

Max began backing away when he heard the word "Oreos," remembering what happened last time. He cringed, touching his upper lip self-consciously.

Alec stayed hunched over at his makeshift workbench in the kitchen. He had stayed up all night licking the icing off the Oreos, just for this. "Stupid thief can't believe Jace has a thing for her." Alec began spreading the homemade chilled clam chowder icing over the chocolate biscuits, sandwiching them together. He smiled. _You can't even tell the difference._ "That ginger midget wants some Oreos?" He asked himself, chuckling. "Oh, I'll give her some Oreos."

Alec had just finished the last cookie when Clary and Jace entered, dressed and ready for the day. Max came in a few seconds later, looking nervously at Alec.

Alec smiled mischievously. "Hey, friend," he said, addressing Clary. "I decided we shouldn't fight. Here's a peace offering." He slid the plate towards Clary, still smiling like the Joker.

Max opened his mouth to say something as Clary was reaching for the plate, but he shut up and decided against it. After all, Alec did know where he slept, and his older brother could be frighteningly mischievous when he wanted to be.

Clary had the plate in her hand for about half a second before the entire contents of the plate were gone. She had inhaled every last one.

Alec stared at her, dumbfounded. "Did you even chew?"

Clary licked her fingers. "Pshh, yes."

"So… How was it?"

Clary began licking the plate. "It was good. Is this a new flavor?"

Alec opened his mouth, than closed it again. He did this several times like he was trying to decide what to say, making him look like a fish.

Jace interrupted Alec's attempt at speech. "Guys, we need to hurry to get to baby yoga!"

Max looked at his adopted brother. "Why are you wearing a suit? I mean, it's fabulous and all, but isn't it a bit formal for _yoga_?"

Jace sighed, like he was already exhausted for the day. "I have a big presentation at work, which means Clary and Alec have to go to yoga without me. Have fun," he smiled at the two as though he honestly thought that they, together, at yoga, would ever have any fun. "Max, don't miss the bus" Jace said over his shoulder as he exited the garage door.

Max eyed the remaining two, sensing an oncoming explosion. He ran for the door. "Bye guys!"

Alec couldn't help but groan. It was just him and the ginger now.


	12. Wanna Go to Hooters?

WANNA GO TO HOOTERS?

Clary stood on the yoga mat, doing elaborate stretches as Instructor Lana helped her bend the correct way. Alec sat in the back corner with a few other guys, listening to them talk about how hot their wives used to be. All Alec could think of is how hot Magnus is _now_.

Instructor Doobie turned to the men that sat doing nothing. "Gentlemen, I'd like you to join your wives now."

Alec sighed exasperatedly. He stood with the others and walked to stand beside Clary. They did and the instructor asked and laid Clary down on the mat with her knees up. Alec kneeled by her feet.

"And now, you need to use your hands, and in small, slow circles, massage your partner's inner thighs."

Alec and Clary locked eyes, both panicking. _Oh hell no!_

Clary sat forward, reached around Alec and squeezed his ass. Or at least that's what it felt like. She held his phone in her hand and pulled it away from her ear as though she had just finished a phone call. She looked at Alec with wide eyes. "Oh my god, Alec! My mom just woke up from her coma! Let's go!"

Alec stumbled to his feet, pulling Clary with him as they approached the door. "Yes! Let us go to the hospital because your previously comatose mother is awake!" He made eye contact with the instructor just before they reached the door. "We are now leaving early because Clary's previously comatose mother is awake. This exit was not planned and we regret having to leave."

Clary leaned in and whispered in Alec's ear. "You're blowing it."

The two slipped out the door without another word. They began walking down the sidewalk towards the car, laughing about how horrible a liar Alec is.

"This exit was not planned? Seriously?" Clary laughed.

Alec smiled. "Believe it or not, I was actually on an improve team in high school."

"Oh god," Clary said with a face of disgust and pity. She glanced up at the store that stood across the street. "Wanna go to Hooters?"

"Are you a lesbian?"

"No, but they've got great wings."

**OoOoOoO**

Clary slurped the meat off the last of her seventh serving of wings. She gulped down her fruit punch and eyed Alec's BTL. He rolled his eyes slid the plate towards her. Clary inhaled the sandwich in three bites. "So," she said, picking bacon out of her teeth. "Tell me about yourself."

Alec looked surprise questionnaire. He wasn't too fond of Clary, especially with Jace's crush on her. He shook his head, not knowing what to say.

"Oh come on. Tell me about this record of yours at Max's camp."

Alec, finding his words, he cleared his throat. "Well, my parents sent me there in high school to try and scare me straight. It didn't work. Obviously. But while I was there I did make a few good friends. And I broke the record for most attempted escapes, and I was the first one to actually make it out. If only I had hidden somewhere other than my own house. But of course, my parents eventually found me and sent me back. But not before I grabbed a couple packs of bacon." Alec smiled and waved one of the waitresses over. The large breasted girl sauntered towards them with her notepad ready. Alec asked for seven orders of wings and sent the girl away.

"I hope at least five of those of those are for me," Clary said.

"You already had seven servings!"

"Shit, you're right. Thirteen is an unlucky number. Better make it fifteen, just to be safe."

Alec rolled his eyes and laughed. Maybe this kid wasn't so bad after all. "So," he said, getting the conversation started again. "Tell me about yourself. I barely know anything about you. Except that you like Oreos and clam chowder. Didn't you say you lived somewhere before you lived in New York?"

Clary looked down and began to dig bacon bits out of her finger nails. "I lived in New York with my mom, my brother Jonathan and my dad, Valentine back when I was still little. I went to school with Simon and he was my best friend. But then, after I graduated grade school, something happened and we had to move away. My dad didn't come with us."

"Why not?" Alec asked just as the waitress brought their wings over. Clary pushed the plate aside as though she were no longer hungry, which seemed almost impossible to Alec.

Clary just shook her head and continued. "Anyway, we moved to this small independent country below Switzerland called Idris. My mom had family there that my dad didn't know about and we were going to stay with them. John and I went to school there for a while. After he graduated, he went straight to med school, got his degree in medicine and neurobiology. Now he's working up in Northern Canada on some kind of advanced experiment on healing brain damage and waking coma patients."

"He just left?" Alec asked, munching on a celery stick.

Clary shook her head. "He didn't want to leave to go to university. I made him go. I knew he wasn't happy in Alicante. He's the kind of person that needs to make a difference."

Alec nodded and rolled his wrist, telling Clary to continue her story.

"Anyway, almost like clockwork, right after my high school graduation, something happened again and we had to move back to New York."

"What happened?"

Clary looked back down at her hands, almost like she was ashamed. "My dad found us. He was the reason we left in the first place. My mom just couldn't take being with him anymore. She was tired of the bruises and the cuts and the yelling. He scared all of us and no one really knew how to handle it. She one night, mom packed up our bags, got us all on a plane and mailed the divorce papers without a return address. Then, four years later, there he was, standing in my grandparents kitchen like he owned the place. I was the first one to see him, and the first thing he did was grab me, drag me outside and tie me to a tree. I was so small. I still am. I didn't have much of a chance against him, and I couldn't break the zip ties.

"After that, I remember hearing a lot of yelling and screaming, and then there was a loud thud. Valentine dragged my mo out of the door with blood gushing from her head. She wasn't moving." Clary tried her best to swallow a sob, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. Alec placed a reassuring hand on her arm. It helped. Clary continued. "He left my mom lying in the grass and went back into the house. I don't know what happened but somehow a fire started. My grandparents were still inside with him. They all burned."

"I'm sorry," Alec mumbled, unsure of what else to do.

Clary shook her head, wiping away the tears. Her finger looped around a silver necklace that hung from around her neck. Alec hadn't noticed it before. "Anyway, after that we moved back to New York because Idris lacked the tech to support my mother's condition. And, yeah. That's the story."

"Well," Alec smiled. "Even though that was a very sad story, I'm glad you moved back here. Because if you didn't, we never would have met."

Clary smiled in return, finally reaching her plate of wings. She even slapped Alec's hand away when he tried to steal one. "No," she said. "You can have the celery, but that's all!"

The two sat in their booth for what seemed like hours, just talking. Clary told Alec about how her mother had given her great grandmothers necklace on her graduation day. It was a strange looking symbol that resembled butterfly wings that hung on a silver chain. "It's my family's symbol," Clary said. "Before my mother had to change our names when we ran, my surname was Fairchild. We never took my father's name."

Clary laughed at Alec when he told her that when Jace had turned sixteen and he was seventeen, the two had gone out behind Maryse and Roberts back and gotten matching tattoos. Alec pulled down the down his shirt collar, showing a strange looking rune in black ink on his chest.

As they drove home, Alec nearly swerved off the road again when he swatted Clary in the shoulder. "It is _not_ a tramp stamp!" he insisted.

Clary smirked. "Yeah, keep telling yourself that. You may as well be one of those waitresses at Hooters. All you need is a nice pair of jugs."

"Shut your trap, Virgin Mary." Alec snapped, pulling into the garage.

Clary rolled her eyes and got out of the car. The two raced to the door, and Alec giggled and flicked her in the forehead when we beat her.

"No, you _idiot!_ "

Clary and Alec entered the living room. Jace was slumped on the couch, his jacket thrown across the floor and his tie loosened.

"What are you watching?"

Jace paused the tv and looked up at Clary and Alec. "What took you guys so long? I only got home two hours early and I still had time to finish the first season of Supernatural!"

Alec fell onto the couch next to Jace. "I was having sex with Clary in the car."

Jace looked shocked. "Did Alec just make a funny?"


	13. You're Carrying My Peanut

YOU'RE CARRYING MY PEANUT

Alec scowled at Jace. "Are you really wearing that shirt?"

Jace looked down at himself self-consciously. "What's wrong with it?"

Alec rolled his eyes. _Ugh, straight people._ "Clary," he called up the stairs. "We're leaving to do a few errands; we'll be back in a few hours. I made you a sandwich."

Clary sprinted down the stairs way faster than Jace thought a pregnant woman could. She ran into the kitchen, and came back a few seconds later looking like she was ready to burst into tears. Her lower lip quivered. "But… But there's no sandwich. Why would you lie to me like that? I thought after our talk we were closer now. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" Clary burst into a dramatic display of tears, followed by her throwing herself into Jace's arms and weeping into his shoulder.

He patted her head gently. "There, there. I'm sure it's not Alec's fault that the sandwich isn't there."

Clary pulled away slowly, looking into Jace's eyes. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Uh."

Clary grabbed Jace by the collar and pulled him close enough to kiss him. "Why the hell do you smell like turkey, ham, bacon, cheese, lettuce, pickles, cucumbers, black olives, onions, meatballs, green peppers, mustard and toasted bread?"

"Uh…"

Clary shoved Jace away and fell into Alec's arms. "How could he do this to me? He knows how hungry I get! _How could he!"_

Alec rubbed Clary's back. "Don't worry. Why don't you come with us? We'll take you to lunch."

"How about brunch? Then we'll do your errands… Then we'll go to lunch."

"But didn't I make you an omelette for breakfast? And a stack of pancakes?"

Clary pulled away and swatted Alec in the arm. "Don't you know the order of meals in a day? First it's breakfast, then brunch, followed by lunch, linner, dinner, dinerts, dessert, then midnight snack. And we all know how unhealthy it is to skip meals."

The boys glared at each other and shook their heads. "Alright," Jace said, holding the door open for Clary. "I know a place we could go for brunch."

Alec sat in the back seat, his arms crossed. How the hell could a tiny pregnant ginger beat him to shotgun? Her legs were half the size of his and she was carrying another person. Maybe he should start working out more…

Nah.

Jace pulled to the side of the road and opened the door. Clary and Alec followed as he walked towards a small café across the street. It read _Tapas_ across the top in orange font. Clary wasn't too familiar with the place but she had heard of it. They walked through the door and stood by the other people waiting to be seated. A waiter walked by carrying a large tray with two plates on it. Each plate was about the size of a mouse ear. Clary, without another word, grabbed Jace and Alec by the collars and yanked them outside and back to the car.

"What?" Jace demanded as he was thrown into the driver's seat.

Clary sat in shotgun before Alec could take it, again. From the back seat, Alec leaned forward to talk to Jace. "Tapas? Really? A month ago she made you get her a whole pig. She is now one month more pregnant. You think she's gonna eat one piece of sushi and be satisfied? She's not one of your white girl hoes."

"Speaking of whole pig," Clary said, reaching over and starting the car. "They're on sale at Costco. We'll go there after Taki's, now drive! I'm starving!"

They got to the small café and took a seat in the small booth in the back by the kitchen. A blond waitress worthy of Hooters came over and handed out menus. Clary put up her hand. "No need. We already know what we're ordering. I'll have a large chocolate milk shake with extra chocolate. Gimme two stacks of pancakes and a rack of ribs. Alec will have a black coffee and two servings of buffalo wings. Jace will have a coffee with two creams and one sugar. He'll also have a cheeseburger with an extra burger on the side. Don't forget the fries."

"Clary, we're not hungry."

"Yeah, but I am and I wanted to seem like less of a pig. Just go with it."

Jace sat silently as he listened to Alec and Clary play I Spy. Clary was a cheap bitch and kept picking tiny things like the font on the ketchup bottle or the inside of Alec's ear. Alec was a bit less creative and picked Clary's hair every time.

Finally, the food came and Clary slapped their hands away whenever they tried to reach for something. Clary horked down the entire stack of pancakes, rack of ribs, wings and burgers in less than ten minutes. This would have amazed Alec but then he remembered their time at Hooters and Clary's fifteen servings of wings.

Alec finally beat Clary to shotgun, but only because Jace agreed to hold her back while he ran. Clary sat angrily in the back as the trio drove to Costco. She wasn't too upset though. After all, she was getting another pig.

Once they got there, Jace parked in the pregnant space because, you know, they could do that now. Clary bolted from the car and yelled back that she would find them after she got her whole pig and as many free samples as she could find. Once she was inside, the grabbed a cart and pushed it towards the meat isle. Clary obviously knew from experience exactly where they keep the whole pigs. This wasn't her first rodeo.

After an hour of trying to fit three while pigs in one cart and being cut off from the free samples, she wandered the store looking for more free food that she could eat. She walked past the clothes and the DVD players (seriously who is still buying DVD players) and the toilet paper and the- oh god. Who was that gay couple arguing by the toilet paper? No, maybe if she kept walking she could just find more samples and wait for them to get kicked out. Then she would buy her pigs and meet them outside.

"Clary, come here."

Shit.

Each of the boys was holding a different pack of toilet paper, looking like they were ready to beat each other with them. Clary pushed her cart of pigs to the middle of the isle where they were standing.

"Clary," Alec said. "Aren't you delicate down there?"

" _What?"_

"Jace wants to get two-ply because that's what his ass is used to or whatever, but I think we should get four-ply because you obviously very delicate down there. You can't push a watermelon out of a damaged glory hole!"

Clary shook her head. "I'm going to buy my pigs. Jace, give me your credit card."

They completely ignored her and continued to bicker.

Jace held up his pack of toilet paper. "Two-ply works just as well. If she really needs four-ply, she could just use twice as much!"

"But that's wasteful! And it doesn't even work that way. Two-ply still feels like sandpaper no matter how many times you layer it."

" _Aha!_ " Jace said, pointing his finger accusingly at Alec. "That's it! You don't want it for Clary, you want it for yourself! You've always complained about your scratchy ass-crack!"

Clary sighed. "You guys are like an old married couple. How come you never got married?"

Jace shrugged, putting his pack of toilet paper in Clary's cart. "It's just a piece of paper."

Alec took Jace's pack out of the cart and put his in. "We should probably get going if we're going to get to the bank before it closes."

Jace removed Alec's pack and put his back in. "Yeah, let's get going."

Alec took Jace's pack of toilet paper, held it like a pillow in a pillow fight and hit him in the face as hard as he could. The pack exploded and toilet paper flew everywhere, drawing the attention of a few workers that stood nearby.

Jace laughed out loud. "Ha! Now we _have_ to buy it!"

After checking out, Alec grudgingly threw the loose toilet paper rolls into the trunk of Jace's BMW alone with the five whole pigs. (Clary went back for more after they got the toilet paper.) Once everything was in the car, they decided that since it was such a nice day and the bank was only a couple of blocks away, they would walk it. Clary wasn't sure how she felt about that since she hadn't peed in a whole ten minutes.

The Costco bathrooms weren't very nice.

As they walked, they passed many stores on the way that had some ice things in the windows. Clary admired the gowns in the window of the bridal store. She looked at the dolls and other trinkets outside an antique shop, she watched the cotton roll around inside the Build A Bear Workshop, then stopped in her tracks to look at the large selection of paint brushes and other art supplies outside and very nice looking art store. Clary sighed. She had never been able to afford nice art supplies, no matter how much she wanted it. She could ask Jace, but this seemed different then him buying her food. She didn't _need_ this. But she really, really wanted it.

After a moment she realized that she had stopped walking. She waddled quickly to catch up with Jace and Alec, who seemed to still be arguing about the toilet paper.

"I'm going to go back for the four-ply," Alec said.

"I will _stab_ you," Jace said in return.

"And I'll _shoot_ you if you try to run," said a voice coming from the alleyway. The trio looked over, and out of the shadows came a small blond girl with a crazed look in her eye. She held a handgun in her right hand.

Jace swatted Alec in the stomach. "That's Maureen! I told you she was crazy!"

Alec rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I got that when she licked my neck!"

Maureen pulled the hammer back on the gun. "I can hear you!"

At the sound of the click, Jace squinted at the small gun in her hand. He smiled. "Hey, I recognise that model! That's a Herondale 64! That's one of my guns! Did you buy it or steal it?"

"I bought it."

Jace's smile widened. "Thank you for your contribution!"

Alec elbowed Jace in the stomach. "Uh, she was just mugging us!"

"You should have chosen me to carry your baby," the crazy girl said, holding her gun higher. "You should have picked me. I'm way prettier than that tiny little oompa-loompa! And I'll be even prettier than her when she has a bullet hole in her face!"

Jace grabbed Clary's arm and began to shove her behind him, but Maureen was quick. She grabbed Clary's other arm and pulled her against her, holding the gun to her temple. Clary squirmed uncomfortable, shivering at the gross feeling of Maureen's sweaty boobs against her back.

Jace looked panicked at the sight of Clary being held at gunpoint, but then he squinted at the gun again. "That gun isn't even loaded, is it?"

Maureen stared back at Jace, wide eyed for a whole ten seconds before snatching the necklace from Clary's neck and sprinting away from them. Jace, without a moment's hesitation, ran after her.

Alec wrapped his arms around Clary, who was now sobbing loudly. "Come on," he said. "Jace will meet us at home."

Clary sniffed. "Does this happen often?"

Alec didn't respond. They walked back to the car slowly.

**OoOoOoO**

Clary sat with Alec on the counter of the kitchen island eating Oreos quietly. They waited and waited until finally they heard the door open. Clary bolted off the counter and threw her arms around Jace. "Don't do that again, you idiot."

Jace laughed and spun Clary around. She felt something cool against her neck; her necklace. "You got it back?"

"Yeah, I only had to chase her like twenty-five blocks. It's a good thing I'm in amazing shape." Jace smiled. He held out a white paper bag. Clary took it and looked inside. It was full of paint brushes and different colored paints. "I saw you looking in the store window. I thought you could paint the nursery. Don't think about not accepting it. You're carrying my Peanut." Jace smiled at Clary, and she smiled back.

Alec leaned against the wall across from them. "That doesn't sound right."


	14. And That's What Happens to the Placenta

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PLASENTA

_5 months pregnant_

Magnus lifted the ham and cheese sandwich to Clary's spread legs. Denis leaned in, shaking his head. "I still don't see it."

"How can you not see it? It's clear as day! See, this is the bread, then the ham, and here is the-"

"Are you two going to check on my baby or what?" Clary interrupted.

"Oh, yeah if you want I could do that." Magnus said still holding up the sandwich.

"I see it now!" yelled Alec, before he realized that it was very strange that he was looking at Clary's opening. (Or glory hole as he liked to call it.)

"Guys, can we please get back to checking on the baby?" said Jace, who was starting to feel really awkward being the only person not looking between Clary's legs.

Magnus, adjusting the fabulous tiara on his head, told Denis to get the machine ready, (Cause Magnus don't got time for that.) As Denis was doing that he pulled Clary's shirt up and put the cold gel on her. The baby still looked like a potato and Jace still had tears in his eyes. What a baby.

Magnus wiped off the gel with a damp towel. "So are there any problems or concerns you'd like to talk about?"

Clary shrugged. "Nothing much, just a horrible craving for haggis and some bad morning sickness."

Magnus nodded as he jotted down a few words on a clipboard. "Well, I would never prescribe any kind of drugs to a pregnant woman. With the exception of when she is giving birth. But something that a few of my friends say works is sucking on lollipops. I know we have some in the back. They're cherry." Magnus smiled, and Clary nodded her head enthusiastically.

Denis smirked. "I can give her something to suck on."

Jace placed a hand on his shoulder and gently but firmly pulled him back. "No," he said, shaking his head.

"The only problem is that I keep the lollipops on a low shelf and I can't bend over without my tiara falling off. It's Dolche and if you drop Dolche you get a one-way ticket to hell. Clary, the shelf's about your height."

"Just for that comment," Clary said, crossing her arms. "I'm not helping you." She reached into her canvas bag and pulled out a black sketch book and a pencil.

Magnus just shrugged. "Then I need someone to get on their knees. Alec?"

Alec blushed a fierce red and shuffled out of the room without hesitation. Magnus smirked and followed him.

Once they were in the hallway, Magnus threw Alec against the wall and leaned forward, pressing his lips to his. Alec tried to push him away, but was pulled back into the kiss almost immediately. "Don't even think about it," Magnus mumbled against his lips. "I've been waiting for this for ages!"

**OoOoOoO**

Jace sat down next to Clary; he looked over her shoulder at her sketchpad and saw that she was drawing a picture of him.

"That looks amazing! Who is that handsome asshole? Where did you learn to draw like that?" He asked.

"My mom used to be an artist. I picked up a lot of things from her. After that it's just practice."

Jace sat down next to Clary on the chair. "What happened? Why did she stop?" Clary stared at Jace and blinked slowly. "Right, shit. Sorry."

"Yeah, she use to draw Luke all the time."

"Who's Luke?"

"My dead stepdad."

Jace looked down for a moment, unsure on how to continue the conversation. _Why is it so hard to talk to her?_ Jace reached for her sketch book and slipped it from her hand gently. "Mind if I look at some of your other sketches?"

Clary shook her head and let him take the book. He opened it at the first page and saw a delicately drawn picture of what Jace thought was Clary's mother, asleep in a glass coffin like Snow White. There were some intricate pictures of flowers and other looking plants. Some pages were completely dedicated to strange looking symbols that reminded him of the tattoo he and Alec shared over their hearts. The next picture was of a buff, handsome guy with a strong jaw leaning against a black car. A car Jace recognised. "Is that the Impala?"

Clary nodded her head enthusiastically. "It's my favourite show!"

Jace smiled. "Me too! I just started and finished season 9 last night! I caught up in season 10 at breakfast."

Clary rolled her eyes. "Did you see the fight with Dean and Kane? Ugh, I just want to lick his abs dry!" Jace looked surprised at her sudden sexual awakening. He'd have to remember what turned her on later. "And don't even get me started on Sam!" she continued. "De-lish! Do you remember that episode that opened with Sam working out shirtless?"

Jace nodded his head. "I actually know exactly what episode you're talking about."

Clary rubbed the back of her neck. "His tattoo is so hot."

Denis leaned away from the desk, pulling out one earphone. "I know right," he said, pulling away his shirt collar to reveal the same anti-possession tattoo. Clary's jaw dropped.

Jace pulled his shirt collar back to show the spot over his heart. "I have a tattoo too," he said.

Clary waved her hand, still staring at Denis's chest. "Yeah, yeah, Alec told me about your tramp stamp." She leaned closer to Denis. "Can I touch it?" she asked, her hand creeping forward.

The door opened and Magnus entered with a handful of lollipops, a proud smile plastered on his face. Alec entered behind him, buttoning up his shirt and smoothing down his hair. Jace raised an eyebrow. Denis leaned over to his boss and whispered, "If you don't tap that, I will."

Magnus walked over to his desk and pulled out a black shoe box. "Speaking of Alec, I got you something," he said, looking at his… boyfriend? He handed Alec the shoebox. "You left your shoe at the club. I thought I'd return it."

Alec opened the shoebox and pulled out a pair of brand new black Adidas sneakers. "These aren't my shoes. And I only lost one shoe that night."

"Yeah, I know, but your shoe was ugly so I got you a new pair. Do everyone a favor and stop dressing like an 80 year old man. You would look so good in jeans."

Jace nodded. "I keep trying to tell him that but he just won't listen to me. It's like just because the advice is coming from a straight guy he won't listen."

Clary looked up from putting away her sketch book and lollipops. "Straight? But I thought-"

"Yes," Alec interrupted. "He was talking about Max. Because Jace is gay. And we are together. Because we are in love. Together. And we are gay. For each other."

"Thank you, Alec."

**OoOoOoO**

Clary stood in the room across from Jace's. The one that would one day be the sleeping place of her baby. She frowned, trying not to think about what her life would be like after this. She stood by the wall, adding the finishing touches to Winnie the Pooh's pot on honey. She smiled at the golden bear that danced across the yellow wall of the nursery.

"That's cute," Jace said, leaning against the doorway.

Clary smiled back. "Thanks. I was thinking of putting piglet on that wall after I paint it pink. Then the other wall will be orange for Tigger, and blue by the window for Eeyor."

"That sounds like a lot of colors. And a lot of work," Jace said, walking into the room and sitting on the floor, admiring Clary's work.

Clary sat next to him. "Well, may as well put the work in now, since I won't be here to do it later."

"What do you mean you won't be here?"

Clary leaned her head on Jace's shoulder, still staring thoughtfully at the wall. "It's ok if you don't want me around after the baby is born. It will be really hard for me, but I'll understand."

Jace wrapped his arm around Clary's shoulder. "Are you kidding me? You think Alec is going to be that kid's mom? What if it's a girl? Who is going to teach her about bras and periods?" Clary giggled. "Look, I don't care what kind of plans you have for after this, but I am not letting you go back to live in that shit hole apartment. If you really want to leave, that's fine. But at least let me buy you a place that's suitable for living. It's the least I can do."

"Wait, so you don't want me to leave?"

Jace shook his head. "Oh course not. If you're willing to stay, you are always welcome. This kid is going to need a mom. And I need you." Jace bowed his head, leaving Clary's lips inches from his. He leaned closer. Clary could feel his warm breath, and she itched to lean in and kiss him.

"Jace," a voice called from downstairs. Alec. "Where the hell did you put my Oreos? This isn't funny!"

Clary pushed herself up and walked over to where her paints were laid out on a table. "You better go help him," she said.

Jace turned and left.


	15. Chapter 15

PIE OR FETUS

Clary watched as Jace pulled the slices of bread from the toaster, flinging them onto the plate before they could burn his fingers. "Watch it," Clary said. "I don't want bruised bread." Jace gave her a look as though he was going to say something, but then thought better of it and began slicing the tomato. He placed the tomato slices on the bread and began spreading mustard on the opposite slice. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" Clary demanded, holding her hand out. "What the _hell_ are you doing?"

Jace dropped everything and lifted his hands above his head, as though a gun was being held to his head. "What did I do?"

"You put the _fucking_ tomato first. It's called a BLT. Bacon, lettuce, tomato. In that order. There is no flipping it. There is no fixing it. Get it right the first time, you piece of literal shit!"

Alec, Max and Jace all stared back at her, wide eyed. Clary, being pregnant and all, burst into tears. "I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I just really need a good BLT right now. And cheese cake. You know what; let's add some cheese cake to the sandwich. In between the lettuce and tomato. In that order."

Clary hopped off the counter and walked to the fridge, staring at its contents for a good five minutes while Jace yelled at the man on the phone for not being able to deliver cheese cake faster.

_Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do_ **(AN: So, like, that song that plays when you get a facetime or whatever.)**

Clary closed the fridge and walked over to her iPad that lay on the counter. (Jace gave it to her to celebrate her being 5 months pregnant. Yeah, Clary didn't get it either. But hey, free iPad.)

"Oh god," Clary said, hesitating to answer the facetime.

"What's wrong?" Alec asked, looking up from his crossword. What a middle aged mom.

"It's my brother. Everyone shut up." Clary swiped her finger across the screen and positioned the camera so only above her shoulders are visible. "Hey, John. How's it going?" It's been a while since Clary had talked to her brother, with him working in Canada and all. When she would talk to him, it was usually in her dark room so he couldn't see the background. Of course, he noticed.

"Where are you?"

"Oh, I'm… at home. I… um… redecorated." Clary said awkwardly, trying to angle the camera so he could only see the beige wall behind her, and not the imported mahogany cabinets and stainless steel double door fridge. Clary suddenly wished that Jace's house wasn't so tastefully decorated.

"You were just complaining about how your rent is too high a few months ago. What the fuck is with the diamond chandelier?" God fucking dammit.

"I moved. I'm living with two roommates now."

The confusion melted from his face. "Oh, that's nice. Why didn't you say anything? Are they nice girls?"

 _Shit, shit, shit._ Clary, clearly panicked, making eye contact with Alec. If her telepathy powers were ever going to work, it would have to be now. _Go into the basement, find two wigs that match your eyebrows. Do Jace's make-up. Your names are Alexis and Jacelyn now. Do you understand?_

Alec didn't move. Dammit. Clary looked slowly down at the camera. "Uh, they aren't girls."

The look on John's face went from happy to mild serial killer. But only mild. "Are they gay?"

"Actually, yes." Never in Clary's 6 months of knowing Jace was she so thankful that he liked dick.

"I would like to speak to them."

Aaaaaaaand the happy feelings are gone. Clary looked at Jace, hoping he got the message she was sending. Thank Jesus fuck he did.

Jace came and took the iPad from Clary, making sure to keep the camera angled correctly. What John doesn't know won't hurt him. Or them. Mostly them.

"Heyy," Jace said, speaking with the adorable lisp associated with severe homosexuality. "I'm Jace, and this is my flawless lover, Alec. He's bae."

Alec spent a good ten seconds, slowly glancing over at Jace, who elbowed him sharply in the ribs. Alec jumped to attention, staring at the camera. "Um, yes. I am flawless, and we are lovers. Together. Um… Slay?"

Jace flipped his hair like a runway model. "Don't mind him, he's just a little socially retarded. But I love him anyway, right Boo?" Jace planted a big, wet kiss on Alec's cheek, making him blush a dark shade of purple.

John looked back and forth between the two. "So… what made you want to live with my baby sister? She's kind of disgusting."

Jace's eyes glazed over; as though he were thinking of all the reasons he loves living with Clary. Or just, you know, Clary in general. Alec slapped his hand over Jace's face and pushed him away from the camera. "Well, you know, we're just-"

"TIME THE _FUCK_ OUT!" John exclaimed. Everyone froze, including Clary, who is now visible in the view of the camera, full pregnantness on display. She was kneeling on the counter, reaching into the cupboard, her mouth stuffed with Alec's Oreos. "Clary," John continued, his voice calm but shaky. "Either that's pie in your stomach or that's fetus. It better be THE FIRST ONE!"

Clary hopped down from the counter, swallowing all seven Oreos without chewing. "John, I can explain," she said, shoving three more Oreos into her mouth.

Alec let go of the iPad, so only Jace was holding it now. He pointed accusingly at Jace and yelling, "HE DID IT!"

Jace dropped the iPad and ran for his life. Smart kid. The doorbell rang. Clary's cheesecake. _Yesss._ Alec left to get the door, handing the iPad to Clary after picking it up off the floor. She just stared at her brother, his white blonde hair nearly matching the snow outside the window behind him. He stared back. Only then, did Clary know she was fucked.

"I knew it." Here we go. He's using his _I got this vibe_ voice. "I _fucking_ knew it. Right when Jace walked in I got this vibe," _I told you._ "I knew he wasn't fabulous enough to really be gay. I knew he was straighter than a stripper pole. I knew he had a thing for you. You're so pretty and vulnerable. Creepy ass holes like him have a thing for vulnerable girls. Did he rape you? He did, didn't he? And you're living with him?"

"John, shut up." John stopped talking, but he looked like he could have kept going for an hour. Clary explained the situation and how she got pregnant. **(AN: If you don't already know what happened, we suggest you start back from chapter 1.)**

When she was done, John stared at her for a long time. Like, to the point where it was kind of weird. Clary just stared back, wondering if Alec was standing in the hallway eating her cheese cake. John took a deep breath, like he was going to say something. His eye twitched. The call was disconnected.

_Well, fuck._

Alec entered right then, holding a white box. It was opened. _I knew it._

"That sounded like it went well."

"Where's Jace?"

"Locked himself in the bathroom. He's either crying or reading fine literature. God, that kid's weird," Alec said, digging his finger into the cheese cake. Clary snatched the box from his hands, looking at the once beautiful cake, now ruined with Alec's finger holes. _It's the only thing he'll ever finger. Poor kid._ "So, do you think John will get over it?"

"Oh no. This is just the beginning. Get ready for a storm." Clary dug her entire hand into the cheese cake, smirking at Alec.

Alec turned to walk away. "I can't believe you ate my Oreos."

Once he was gone, Clary licked her fingers clean and climbed back up the counter, reaching for the blue box on the bottom shelf of the cupboard. She tucked the Oreos under her arm, grabbed the cheese cake and the BLT that lay unfinished on the counter and headed for the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! (confetti)


	16. Welcome to Bouncing Betty's

WELCOME TO BOUNCING BETTY'S

Max scribbled furiously on the white board in Jace's study, motioning to the squiggly lines as though that would help Clary find the answer. "Is it a skate board?"

Max shook his head, filling in a few more lines and pointing at the ball at the end of the line. Clary shook her head. "Is it a whole pig?" Then she jumped up, clapping her hands. "Yes, that's it! It's a whole pig right?"

Max shook his head. Clary was beginning to think it was a bad idea to play Pictionary with this kid. What could be better than a whole pig?

"It's a dog," Max said, his head hanging in defeat as the timer ran out.

"Seriously? A dog? Where the hell are the legs?"

Max pointed to the board where he had very obviously drawn chicken wings surrounding the whole pig. This kid had no idea how to draw. It was time to show this asshat how it's done.

Clary cracked her knuckles and took the dry-erase marker from Max, shoving him aside. He flipped the timer and sat back, watching as Clary drew four impeccable lines on the board. "The Mona Lisa?" Max guessed.

Clary threw the marker over her shoulder and whipped out a pair of sunglasses, shoving them on her face. "And that's how it's done. You're welcome."

Max stood from the chair, taking the marker from Clary. "Should we play again?"

She shook her head. "I kind of want to go out for a walk."

"But Alec said not to leave until he and Jace got back from work. They didn't want you going out without an adult to supervise you."

Clary lifted the sunglasses from her eyes and batted her eyelashes at Max. "Do you always do what Mommy says?"

Max grabbed the sunglasses off of Clary's face and shoved them onto his nose. "Let's go," He said, grabbing the keys for the Harley Davidson from Jace's desk.

Clary reached over and gently took the keys from his clenched fist. "Let's not go too far, I just want to go for a walk. And if Jace found out you even touched the keys to his bike, he's castrate you and make you swallow your own balls."

Max snatched the keys back from Clary's tiny hands. "Can't we just ride it up the driveway? It's a long driveway…"

Clary brought her teeth down on Max's knuckles and tore the keys away from him. "We'll take the minivan."

Max shook his head. "Alec took the minivan to work."

"Then we'll take the Ferrari and put the top down."

Max sat in the passenger seat of the cherry red Ferrari, slumping his shoulders. "I wanted to drive."

Clary adjusted the sunglasses on her nose, fixing the rear-view mirror. "You can drive when you get your licence." Max sighed and reached for the radio as Clary started to lower the top on the convertible.

Max smiled when his favorite song came on and started to sing along. "Making my way downtown-"He stopped abruptly when the music shut off. He glared at Clary.

"Don't look at me like that. Everyone knows driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his pie hole." Not that it really mattered. They had reached the end of the driveway. The two got out of the car and began walking down the sidewalk. "I'm hungry," Clary said, knowing this was probably shocking for Max.

"Well sucks to be you because we don't have any money."

Clary smirked. "Then let's make some."

Max shook his head. "It's not that easy. This isn't the movies. You can't just pull a guitar out of your ass and some millionaire just happens to be passing by and toss a role of twenties into your tin can."

Clary rolled her eyes. "Come on, where's your sense of adventure?"

"Alright," Max said, holding out his hand. "If you can make one hundred dollars in an hour, then I'll buy you a whole pig and I'll even cook it for you. But if you can't, you have to kiss me in front of Jace."

Clary squinted at him. "What?"

"Just trust me."

Clary shrugged and shook his hand.

**OoOoOoO**

Jace turned the key in the front door and stepped inside with Alec behind him. They began to walk to kitchen, when Jace stopped and backed up a few steps. There was a rolling chair in his living room. One he did not recognize.

The chair spun around almost in slow motion, revealing a tall, broad shouldered blond guy, stroking a cat.

Jonathan's smile was sinister as he looked at the two boys staring at him. "I've been expecting you."

"Well," Alec said, gesturing around the room. "We do live here. And what are you sitting on? We didn't used to have that chair."

"Chair? Seriously? That's what you notice when he's holding a furry crap machine?"

Jonathan looked down at the cat that was curled up on his lap. "This is my cat. I named him Clary. For obvious reasons."

They looked back at the cat. It was orange.

"And the chair?" Alec asked.

John stood from the chair, tossing the cat to the floor. It rolled like a dead potato. _Is that thing alive?_ "I bought it for the occasion. It's also a thank you gift for taking in my sister. Even if you did impregnate her." He glared at Jace like he was ready to sick his (dead?) cat on him. Jace took about five steps back.

Jace smiled like he had gas. He swatted Alec in the arm. "Go find his sister."

"You want me to leave you two alone? With no witnesses? Ok." Alec turned around and ran towards the kitchen.

Jace looked at John awkwardly. "So, how's Canada?"

"Cold. Like my heart. And your body after I bury it."

Jace laughed loudly, trying to hide the fact that he possibly just pooped himself. "Alec," he called, hoping that ass hole would hurry the _fuck_ up. How hard is it to find a hungry pregnant woman in a kitchen? Her hair is more flaming than Magnus!

Alec came racing down the hall, nearly tackling Jace. "She's gone!"

"What do you mean she's gone?" John demanded.

"Yeah," Jace said, taking another step back. "How hard is it to find a freaking redhead? She practically glows with beaut- I mean pregnancy."

Alec whipped out his phone from the dad holster he wears to work to "look more professional." He flipped open his disgusting Nokia that he uses for work that Jace constantly begs him to get rid of. Along with his fanny pack. "I'll call Max," he said, holding the phone to his ear.

**OoOoOoO**

"Welcome to Bouncing Betty's," the tall, almost naked lady at the door greeted them. "Would any of you fine men like a complimentary licorice thong?"

Alec slapped Jace's hand away as he reached for the candy underwear. John slipped one in his pocket when neither of the boys were looking.

After looking around the room with flashing lights and flashing boobs, they saw Max sitting in a leather chair counting a wad of cash with more pilled on the table in front of him. When he saw Jace, he lifted the cash and made it rain. "Whaddup home slice?"

Alec stepped forward, catching the airborne bills. "Ok, first of all, don't ever say that again. Second, where the hell did you get all that money?"

He smiled a cheeky smile. "Clary got it for me."

John pushed the two out of the way, standing between them. "Well where the hell is sh-"

"YEAH BABY SHAKE THAT FETUS!" yelled some drunk ass hole from across the room.

The three boys looked up all at once to see innocent little Clary with her shirt rolled up, swinging around a pole. She waddled over to a tall, blond stripper and began shimmying back and forth with her to the song _Low_ by Flo Rida. First the flip phone, now this. Jace felt like he was trapped in 2007. Though Clary _was_ dancing on a pole, which made it slightly (a lot) better.

John stormed over and yanked Clary off the stage just as she was stuffing more singles into her back pocket. She smiled in surprise at her older brother and jumped into his arms so he could carry her bridal style. "Yeah, Johnny's here! Let's go that way!" she said, pointing in a random direction.

"Uh, no," John said, carrying Clary over to the others and sitting her down in the chair next to Max. "We're taking you home," he said, swatting a licorice thong out of Max's hand. "How the hell did you guys even get in here? How old are you?"

Max smiled. "Seventeen. Clary got us in. She's a really convincing actress when she wants to be. The bouncers actually believed she was Scarlett Johansson."

"Ok," John said, taking a licorice thong out of his pocket and stuffing half of it into his mouth. "But why are you here?" he said around the thong.

Clary shrugged. "We had a bet. I won."

"I don't know," Max smiled, fanning himself with money. "I think I won a little bit too."

"Nope," Clary ripped the cash fan out of Max's hand, stuffing it, along with the rest of the money, into her pregnant-lady bra. "This money is going towards whole pig."


	17. I Don't Like Being Penetrated

I DON'T LIKE BEING PENETRATED

Clary rolled the fourth cart to the checkout, helping Jace lift another whole pig onto the counter. Clary pulled the $250 out of her bra. Yes, she has been wearing the same bra for the past week. Screw you. Don't be rude.

She tossed all the singles and slightly larger bills onto the counter, letting Chelsea the Checkout lady count all the bills while Clary helped Jace lift the pigs back onto the carts to bring to the car. _Why the hell am I even doing this? I'm like 5 months pregnant. Where the hell is Alec? I don't care if he breaks a nail. Fucking bitch._ If only Jonathan didn't have to go back to Canada. He would be good at lifting whole pig.

Admittedly, Jace looked worse than she did. He was kind of pale and sweaty and he kept rubbing his temples like he had a head ache. What an out of shape bitch.

Once the pigs and other delicious ingredients were all loaded into the car, Clary got into the driver's seat and revved the engine of the shitty old minivan. She would never understand why Jace didn't just buy Alec a Ferrari. Why was he still driving this 2008 Dodge when he could be picking up the bitches in a lambo?

Jace got into the passenger seat without a word, which was strange enough. He never let Clary drive. Oh well. She shrugged and pulled out of the parking lot, speeding (or at least as fast as you can go in a freaking minivan.)

Once they were in the garage, Alec's car barely had a dent on it. Racoon guts… that's a different story. But racoons didn't dent cars.

Clary leapt from the car in excitement and ran to the trunk to get the bags with the smaller ingredients. She left the trunk full of whole pig for Alec to empty. He wanted to stay home and read? Well that doesn't mean he can't do some heavy lifting. Clary wasn't letting him off that easily.

It was the first time the boys were letting her make dinner, so she was going all out. Jace and Alec would get an entire whole pig to themselves. And, you know, she would get the rest.

Once Clary had all the ingredients laid out and had three whole pigs roasting over the fire outside, (the rest were in the freezer for later tonight,) she began to make her special sauce. And no, not that kind of sauce. Get your head out of the gutter.

"How's the cooking going, Chef Ramsay?" Alec asked, entering from the back door (like he usually did ;) ) after rotating the pigs so they wouldn't burn.

Clary continued to stir the contents of the large silver bowl while she shot Alec the finger. "Well I was going to let you try some but now you can go to hell."

"Try some of what?" Jace asked, stumbling into the kitchen.

Clary smiled when he came in, setting a small bowl aside. "I made dipping sauce, you want to try some?"

Jace shrugged his shoulders and dragged his feet over to the counter. Alec had already eaten half of the bowls contents, the goddamn pig. "This is amazing," he said, licking the bowl clean.

"Thanks," Clary said, putting another spoonful in the bowl for Jace. "I used pickled fish eyes, sheep stomach, blended crows beak, carrots, dog testicles, and liver of blaspheming Jew."

Alec dropped the bowl he was licking clean… again. Jace gagged, nearly emptying his stomach all over the counter, and, more importantly, the food.

"I'm just kidding." Clary giggled. "Where would I get liver of blaspheming Jew? That's murder at worst. Illegal organ harvesting at best."

Alec and Jace both took a step away from the counter of now very sinister looking ingredients. "So," Alec said, trying to change the subject. "Have you seen Izzy and Simon lately?"

Clary nodded enthusiastically, taking a bite of sheep stomach, which made Jace gag again. "I just saw them a couple of days ago. They are _so_ cute together! I hope someone will love me like that one day."

"Yeah, it's nice that she's finally settling down with someone as innocent as Simon. She used to whore around a lot," Alec said quite nonchalantly, as though he were talking about something as everyday as the ingredients of pork sauce and not the promiscuity of his baby sister. "It all started when she lost her virginity. I don't think she understood that just because it was prom doesn't mean you _had_ to have sex. I wish I could kill the goddamn asshole that fucked her."

Jace fell to his knees and emptied his stomach onto Alec's shoes, coughing and dry heaving what little he had in his stomach. Once he was done, he fell on his side and curled up into the fetal position. "I think I might be sick," he mumbled.

**OoOoOoO**

Clary poured the chicken noodle soup into the mug that sat on the counter. The soup was hot and smelled of salt and meat that was unfortunately not whole pig. She took the mug and walked up the stairs to Jace's room, where Alec was helping him get into bed. Poor kid had the stomach flu. Clary didn't want to get too close to him, in case she got sick too. She wasn't sure what that would mean for the baby, so it was better safe than sorry.

Once she reached Jace's door, she reached up to knock, but stopped when she heard voices inside. It was Alec and Jace. Duh. The conversation itself was a bit disturbing and… well… it went kind of like this:

Alec: Just let me put it in.

Jace: I don't think I'm ready

Alec: The sooner you let me do it, the sooner it will be over.

Jace: Fine, do it. (He grunted super loud here.) Watch it, it's very sensitive in there. Ah! What are you doing?

Alec: Calm down, I'm trying to find the sweet spot.

Jace: I hate being penetrated.

Alec: Well too bad.

Jace: This is so uncomfortable.

Alec: It will be over in a second. (pause) Alright, I'm done.

Jace: Finally.

Clary felt the heat rise in her face. She couldn't barge in on their weird gay stomach flu sex scene. How weird would that be? She hadn't even realized that she had dropped the soup until she heard the loud clatter of the mug hitting the hard wood floor.

The door was flung open by a _very_ half naked Jace with his pants around his ankles.

Clary, startled by the… well the… dick, threw out her hand in a vain attempt to conceal Jace's dignity. "Oh my god! I can't even cover it with one hand!" Thinking it would be more effective; she moved her hand to cover her eyes instead. But it would never erase the image that was already there. The amazing- _stop it._ The majestic- _stop it, you slut._ Imagine being stabbed by that glorious sword. _Damn baby hormones._

Clary heard a sound like someone being smacked. "Jace pull up your pants," said Alec, coming from somewhere in the same direction of Jace. He sounded like he was smiling, that asshole. Clary was sure he was laughing at the way her face was most likely blending into her hair.

"Why do you want to cage the beast?" Jace said, sounding equally as amused. After hearing the sound of a zipper, Clary uncovered her eyes, seeing Jace now fully clothed. _Dammit._

She looked down to where the soup had splashed all over the floor. The puddle of wet chicken and noodles make Clary think of Jace's throw up earlier. Yuk. "Shit, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to drop the soup, but I was distracted by the anal."

"What anal?" Jace asked, looking at Alec.

"Holy shit, Jace, your temperature is at 103!" Alec said, pressing his hand to Jace's forehead in a very motherly fashion.

"I don't know why you had to use a rectal thermometer," Jace said, blushing. _Ooooooooh, so not gay anal._

Alec shrugged. "It's more accurate. And I know you enjoyed it," he said with a wink. "Don't worry about the soup, Clary. I'll clean up the mess, just go take Jace to lie down and make sure he doesn't choke on his own throw up."

Clary led Jace to his bed and let him lie down while Alec closed the door behind them. She sat on the bed next to him and ran her fingers through his soft blonde hair. It reminded Clary of her own hair. She had nice hair.

"Tell me a story," Jace said, looking up at her with those big golden eyes, like a kitten. A sick, puke filled, golden kitten.

Clary lay down next to Jace; letting him put his head on her shoulder and one hand on her stomach. "Alright, well this is the story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there. I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

"In west Philadelphia, born and raised, on a playground was where I spent most of my days. Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool, and all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school. When a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air!"

"Clary, I said I wanted to hear a story, not a white girl attempt to rap. Like where did you come up with this song?"

"You… You don't know what this is from?"

"No."

"You gon' learn today." Clary leaned down and kissed Jace on the forehead, then got up and went to her room to get the first season of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.


	18. Nothing Under Seven Inches

NOTHING UNDER SEVEN INCHES

_6 months pregnant_

Clary leaned over the glass counter, shoving her hand in the back where the opening was to point to a ring in the middle of the case. "How about that one?" she asked, while the clerk rushed over to yank her hand out of the glass. Rude. If they didn't want you to touch the stuff then why was there an opening in the back?

"Not that one," Simon said, looking at the diamond ring Clary had indicated. "It's not big enough. Isabelle likes big things."

"Then why is she dating you?" Jace asked from across the counter, sounding pretty proud of himself for that one.

Simon looked up from the display of jewelry. "Hey, you know her motto; nothing under seven inches."

"I know," Jace smirked. "It's such a shame she broke that. It was a nice motto."

"You know Jace, most guys with such big egos are compensating for something else."

"Are you suggesting that I have a baby dick just like you?"

Simon took his hands out of his coat pockets, like he was getting ready for a fight. "Why don't we see what you're packing, hot shot?"

Jace shrugged, pulling his hands from the pockets of his jeans to unzip his pants.

Clary held up her hands defensively, then realized her mistake and just covered her eyes.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Simon yelled, holding up his hand. His hands were bigger than Clary's, but they still wouldn't block the beast. "Not out here. That's disgusting."

"No," Jace corrected. "Yours is disgusting. Mine is glorious. These people would thank me for showing them _this_ diamond!"

The jeweler turned around slowly to face the back of the store, away from Jace.

Simon shook his head and marched towards Jace, grabbing him by the wrist. He dragged him to the back where the bathrooms were located. But not before taking one of the small measuring tapes off the jewelers counter.

"Oh, you won't need that," Jace said. "This isn't going to be much of a competition."

Clary rolled her eyes at the two idiots and continued to look around the store for something suitable for Isabelle. Big, but affordable. Yeah right.

The door in the back swung open as the two boys marched out, both with their heads hung low.

"Why are you sad?" Simon asked. "You won."

"Yeah, but I wasn't expecting you to be over six inches."

"Barely," Simon mumbled.

"Alright, moving on," Clary interrupted before Jace could reply with a snide comment. God, what was it with guys and dick size?

Clary shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. She can't keep thinking about Jace's package. He's gay. For Alec. And they are in love. Together.

Clary moved over to where Jace was standing by one of the many glass cabinets. "That's a pretty ring," she said, looking down to where Jace was looking. "But it's not big enough for Isabelle.

"It's not for Isabelle," he said, almost whispering. "It kind of reminds me of my mom's engagement ring." Jace smiled at the memory. The jeweler walked over at Jace's request and took the ring out of the glass case. Jace took the small hoop of gold and slid it on to Clary's ring finger.

Errmahgerd. _Don't freak out. Don't freak out. He's gay. He's gay. Gay gay gay gay gay!_

"It looks nice on you," he said with an adorably charming smile.

Simon thanked the jeweler and slid the small ring box into his pocket. He turned to walk out the door. "Are you guys coming?" he called over his shoulder.

_I just did._

**OoOoOoO**

Jace opened the bottom drawer of his dresser, pushing aside his old college football jersey and picked up the small black velvet box and opened it. It really did look similar to the one from the store. But this one was silver, not gold. The diamond was much bigger.

There was a light knock at his door as Alec entered the room, shutting the door behind him.

"How was your date with Magnus?" Jace asked, setting the ring down on the top of his dresser.

Alec smiled, blushing slightly. "It was really nice, actually."

"He sucked your dick, didn't he?"

Alec looked appalled. "Jace, don't be disgusting! I would never let someone take advantage of me like that on the first date."

"So you sucked his dick?"

"Anyway," Alec said, changing the subject. "I wanted to talk to you about something." Alec pulled Jace to his bed and sat down next to him. "I'm just going to get straight to the point. I know you have feelings for Clary and I think you need to stop dicking around and go for it." Alec slapped his hand over Jace's mouth before he could say anything. "There's no point in denying it. I knew you liked her since the first time you saw her. It bothered me at first because I used to have feelings for you," Jace's eyes widened, though he stopped licking Alec's hand to get him to move it. "But I'm over it now. I've moved on. And I honestly think Clary is good for you. She's one of the most generous, kind people I've ever met. But she won't take your shit either, so that's a bonus. I really think you should just go for it." Alec moved his hand from Jace's mouth, wiping it on his khakis.

Jace wiped the spit from his mouth. "Did you just break up with me?"

"Is that all you took from that?"

Jace sighed, turning to sit straight on the bed. "I've been thinking about it for a while. But it doesn't matter. She thinks I'm in love. With you. Because we are-"

"Stop mocking me."

"But you get my point. She would never do anything to hurt you, so why would she ever go for me? She thinks I'm as gay as Magnus."

Alec smiled a frightening, evil smile. "Then maybe we should change that."

**OoOoOoO**

Jace approached the door of Clary's bedroom, trying to flatten his wild blond hair. Just before he knocked on the door, he heard a sound coming from Clary's room. It wasn't loud or startling. It was a soft, sad sound. She was crying.

Jace flung the door open without knocking, hoping Clary wasn't crying naked in her room. He did that sometimes. God, having a huge dick can be so hard sometimes.

She looked up, startled, as Jace sat down on her bed, next to her. "What are you doing here?"

Jace smiled his charming smile. "I just wanted to check on you. Are you ok?"

Clary nodded her head, wiping the tears from under her eyes. "It's just the baby hormones. Nothing to worry about."

Jace put his arm around her and pulled her closer. She leaned her head on his shoulder. "It's ok. You're allowed to cry."

Clary giggled when Jace started tickling her sides. She laughed louder and rolled onto her back, Jace leaning over her. He realized his mistake too late, when their lips were barely an inch apart. He didn't move, scared that he might do something she wasn't comfortable with. But it was Clary that pulled him to her, forcing their lips together.

There was a soft knock on the door, startling them both as they pulled away from each other. Alec opened the door, smiling at Clary. "Hey ginger, want to watch a movie?"

**OoOoOoO**

Alec sat down next to Clary setting the popcorn down between them. "So what do you want to watch?" he asked, holding up a stack of DVDs. "Mean Girls, John Tucker Must Die, or The Other Woman?"

Clary burst into tears, pushing the stack of DVDs out of his hand and throwing the bowl of popcorn across the room. "I'm so sorry, Alec," she said between horribly painful sounding sobs. "I didn't mean to! It was all my fault but I didn't mean to! He was just there and he smelled so good and… and… I would never want to hurt you, because you've just been so nice to me. You're one of my best friends and I would never want you to get hurt but I did a bad thing and now you're gonna cry too!" Clary said, running to the door.

"Wait," Alec said, holding up his hand. "What happened?"

She turned around, standing in the open doorway with the handle in her hand. "I KISSED JACE!" She wailed, slamming the door behind her.

Jace entered from the back door of the room, probably startled from all the banging and yelling. "What the hell did you do?"

Alec just shrugged, picking up the DVDs from the floor. "I don't know. I just asked her what movie she wanted to watch and she lost it."

Jace looked down at the movies in Alec's hand. "Seriously? You suggest three movies the a plot about cheating. What did you think would happen?"

"Oh, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Makes sense. I guess we should go tell her now," he said, standing up from the couch.

"No," Jace said, putting a hand on his brother's shoulder. "We should take her out for dinner and tell her. That way the good feelings from the food cancel out the bad feelings from the lie. Also, it's a public place, so she's less likely to murder one of us."

**OoOoOoO**

"What do you mean you're not gay?" Clary almost yelled, slamming her fork onto the table. Oh shit, she stopped eating. This is bad.

Alec cleared his throat. "Well, Jace needed to be eligible to apply for a surrogate. It was unlikely that he would have been accepted if he were single. Gay couples, however, are almost always accepted. Especially when they both make a decent salary."

"Well," Jace interrupted. "One of the makes a decent salary. The other one is a marriage counsellor."

Alec ignored his comment. "We really are sorry we lied, but we thought that if we told you, you would tell someone and get us in trouble. Jace might have even lost the baby."

Clary nodded her head, her face calm and reasonable. She turned to Jace, smiling delicately. She obviously understood exactly where they were coming from. _Thank God,_ Alec thought. He was scared she would be mad.

Clary stood from her chair and lunged at Jace, hissing like a savage lion.

_I spoke too soon._

Alec stood, grabbing Clary by the armpits and lifting her off Jace. She continued to squirm and kick as Alec held her at arm's length, her feet dangling a foot off the floor.

"Clary, clam down!" He said, shaking her gently. Maybe if he rocked her she would get sleepy. He needed to figure out something soon. There were a million eyes on them. He knew they were on the verge of being kicked out.

The waiter came over, holding a large tray with three plates on it. He approached cautiously, setting the plates on the table and picked up their plates from the appetizers. He turned, scurrying away like a scared squirrel.

Clary, sensing the presence of food, calmed down and sat back at the table. "Alright, I guess I understood why you lied. I just wish you would have come clean sooner."

Jace sat back at the table next to her, wiping the blood from his nose. "We wanted to tell you, we just weren't sure how you would react. We wanted to wait until we were sure you wouldn't get us into any legal trouble for this. I'm sorry we had to lie to you."

"While we're coming clean about all of our little secrets," Alec set down his fork, turning to Jace. "Clary and I have something to tell you."

"We do?"

"You should probably know that for the past few months, Clary and I have been ditching baby yoga."

Jace gasped loudly, making more people look their way. "How could you?" He asked, sounding as betrayed as when Sam realized Frodo wasn't going to throw the Ring into the fires of Mount Doom. "How could you?" He asked, a hand placed over his heart, like he was going to faint. "How am I ever supposed to trust you again after you lied to me?"

Clary coughed loudly. "Right," Jace mumbled. "Never mind."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8=====D


	19. Uh, She's Dead

UH, SHE'S DEAD

Clary straightened her green dress, tossing her black hair over her shoulder casually.

"I don't know," Jace said from the back of the room, pulling down the sleeves of his suit jacket. "I mean, I guess the glasses and wig are alright, but I can't take you seriously if you're wearing the nasty fake teeth. It's probably better if you take them out. And while you're at it, you should probably wipe off the fake mole."

Clary frowned, taking the Halloween teeth out of her mouth and setting them on the dresser. She used a makeup wipe to remove the large brown circle she drew on her chin. _It's a shame,_ she thought. _That was a damn convincing mole too._

"You're one to talk," she said, turning from the mirror. "Do you really think they won't recognise you just because you're wearing a hat? If anything, it draws more attention!"

Jace adjusted the bright yellow baseball cap self-consciously, the camera lens gleaming in between the words _Herondale Corp._ "Well I need the hat cam. Alec can't be there because he's too busy fucking Mag-"

"It's just a date, Jace. There will be no fucking," Alec called from the hallway.

"Then what's the point?"

Clary swatted Jace on the chest. "Leave him be. He's allowed to fuck or not fuck who he likes."

"Well I'm sorry if I wanted to encourage him a little. That grumpy asshole really needs to get some." Jace straightened his bowtie and held his arm out to Clary. "Ready?"

Clary took his arm, smiling. "I am if you are, Mr. Smith."

The two walked out of the room, down the stairs, into the garage and got into Jace's most incognito car: a black '67 impala.

Jace bought the car after finishing the 9th season of Supernatural and realized that he had more than enough cash so… why not?

Clary got into shotgun and turned on the radio. Jace slapped her hand away. "Driver picks the music. Shotgun shuts his pie hole." He flipped the radio off and set up the cassette player. He started humming to _Carry on my Wayward Son_ as he peeled out of the driveway.

"Jerk," Clary mumbled.

"Bitch," Jace said in between hums.

Clary smiled and started screaming the lyrics.

**OoOoOoO**

Clary sat across from Jace at their small dinner table. The waiter, who was bringing the bread basket, gave Jace a strange look. This wasn't the first one he had received upon entering the restaurant, but Jace still refused to take off his hat.

"This is perfect," Clary said, stuffing a whole bun of bread into her mouth. "They won't suspect a thing! Then we'll have Simon's embarrassing engagement video to blackmail him with forever!"

"Or we can just show everyone when we get back."

"That works too." Clary spread butter on a second bun and ate it surprisingly slow. "Shouldn't you turn that thing on?"

Jace shook his head. "It's been on the whole time." Jace turned his head towards Isabelle and Simon, who sat one table diagonal to them. Simon pulled out the chair for his date, and as she sat down, he shoved the chair into the table, nearly gutting Izzy on the corner of the table. _Oh god._

Jace looked back at Clary, watching her stuff the last bun from the 10-bun-bread-basket into her mouth. _God she's pretty._ Clary slapped Jace in the face, making him face towards the couple.

"Pay attention. We're here for a reason. You're here to film them. I'm here for the food. And so you don't look even more like a lonely, suspicious bastard."

At the far table, Simon was sweating like a pig. He picked up the edge of the tablecloth and wiped it over his forehead, making everything on the table almost fall into Isabelle's lap. She stood up, barely saving her dress from the avalanche. Simon launched himself over the table to clean up the mess.

Jace started laughing. He's such an idiot.

Clary turned to look at what was happening, but Jace reached over and pulled her face back to face him. "Don't look," he said. "They might recognise you."

"Really?" Clary raised her eyebrows at him. "Out of the two of us, who do you honestly think they'll recognise first?"

Jace rolled his eyes and turned back to see Isabelle and Simon being escorted by a waiter to another table closer to them. "Shit," Jace mumbled. "They're moving tables."

"It's ok, we'll be able to see them better."

"Yeah, but they can see us better too!"

The two picked up their menus and held them to their faces. "They won't recognise me, but if they look over they'll know it's you!" Clary pulled her purse out from behind her chair. "You're so lucky I brought my fake mustache." She reached over and pressed the fake hair onto Jace's lip. He sneezed immediately.

"Bless you," Simon said from their new table DIRECTLY NEXT TO THEM. Well shit.

Jace waited until the attention was no longer directed towards him and slowly turned to face the skinny Jew. He watched as Simon pulled out a small black box from his pocket and pulled the ring out of it just as the waiter brought over the champagne. He popped the cork and it flew across their table, nearly taking out Clary's eye. Thank god for those glasses.

Jace reached over and tucked a stray lock of black wig hair behind Clary's ear.

"What are you doing?" she whispered from behind her menu.

"We're a married couple. We need to play the part."

"Oh right," Clary said, winking at him. She leaned over like she was going to kiss him.

_Holy motherfucker this is actually happening. I don't have time to smell my breath. What if it smells like ass? I don't remember eating ass recently. Or ever. But what if it smells and tastes like ass? What if she never wants to kiss me again? Ah, who am I kidding. Jace Herondale is the best kisser in the whole fucking universe. She'll only want more after._

Jace leaned over to kiss her back. Their lips we just about to touch… When the waiter brought over the food. Clary sat back and started stuffing her face. _Fuck shit fuck god fucking dammit. I was so close!_

"Hey, look!" Simon said, pointed over Isabelle's shoulder. "It's Whitney Houston!"

"Uh, she's dead," Isabelle said after sipping her drink, not even glancing over her shoulder.

"I mean, look! It's Leonardo Di Caprio!"

"How does Leonardo Di Caprio look anything like Whitney Houston?"

"Just fucking turn around."

Isabelle turned around, looking at the people who sat behind them while Simon dropped the ring into her champagne glass. She turned back to look at him just as the waiter brought over their food. Simon smiled like a suspicious idiot and picked up an olive off his plate, tossing it into his mouth. At least he tried to. And missed.

The olive grazed Simon's cheek and bounced onto the floor behind him rolling away. Simon, panicked, stood from the table and turned to chase the olive around the restaurant. He ran past Clary and Jace without noticing them. Isabelle, only a one table away, sighed dramatically. She reached over and took her champagne from the table, chugging it in two sips. Once she put the glass down, she slapped the table, hard.

_Oh god._

Isabelle stood from the table, gripping her throat, like she was trying to rip something out of it. She made a loud choking noise like two seagulls fighting over bread.

Simon stopped chasing the olive and came back to stand next to Isabelle. "Izzy, can you calm down? I'm sorry I embarrassed you, but you're making a scene. Sit down."

Isabelle choked louder, pointing dramatically at her throat.

"Yes, I know you're being loud. Quiet down please."

Jace grabbed his menu from the table and lifted it to cover his face. "She's choking, you idiot!" he half coughed half yelled in a thick Russian accent.

Simon squealed, turning Isabelle around and thrust his…. Clutched hands into her stomach.

When the ring was finally dislodged from Izzy's throat, it flew across their table and hit Jace right in the face. Gross. Jace looked down at the table to where the ring fell. And right next to the ring was… Jace's fake mustache.

_Well fuck._

Jace tried to cover his face with the menu again but he knew it was too late. They had seen him. Simon was walking over to the table now.

"Sorry about that, sir," Simon said, taking the ring off the table and turning away from them.

_Yes! Safe!_

Simon, now standing a good few feet away from them, got down on one knee and asked Isabelle to marry him. And he only almost puked twice!

**OoOoOoO**

Clary, Jace, Max, Alec and Magnus sat around the couch, seeing who could throw more cheerios into Alec's opened mouth without missing. Max kept hitting Alec's forehead, but Jace got it in the hole almost every time. He probably had a lot of practice.

Isabelle and Simon entered the room hand in hand, both smiling. "We have an announcement," they both said in unison, then laughed like a happy married couple.

"Yeah yeah, you're engaged, we know. "Jace threw a whole handful of cheerios at Alec's face. "We were waiting for you to watch the video."

"What video?"

Clary took the remote from the table and pressed play. She had to forward through a lot of the footage since most of it was her face. "Were you just staring at my face the whole time?"

Jace blushed.

Finally the video reached the part where Simon was trying to hump the ring out of Isabelle. Classic.

"You guys ruin everything," Isabelle muttered, turning on her heels and walking to the door, slamming it behind her.


	20. Chapter 20

ALWAYS CHAPTER

TWENTYYYY

Jace stood across from Maryse in their small circle. They were talking about politics or something boring like that so Jace walked over to the barbeque to check on the burgers. He opened the lid just as Isabelle and Simon walked over, hand in hand, smiling.

"Thanks for throwing us this engagement party, Jace."

Jace smiled and waited for them to walk away. He didn't feel like talking right now.

But they didn't leave. Dammit.

"So when is your engagement party going to be?" Simon asked, nudging Jace in the ribs.

"What?" Jace looked away from the barbeque to glare at Simon.

Isabelle smiled. "As if it isn't obvious that you two like each other. Speaking of, where is the little ginger?"

"She, Alec and Max went to buy some hamburger buns," Jace grumbled. You'd think she would notice her two brothers missing before she noticed her friend's absence. "They should be back soon."

The couple left to talk to Isabelle's parents across the yard.

Everything seemed to be going more or less smoothly. People stood in small groups all over Jace's back yard behind the old church/house. It was a casual event, so everyone was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. Except for Isabelle, who decided since she was one of the guests of honor, she should wear her glittering red ball gown. Typical Izzy.

His smile faded when he turned to see Eric tapping a knife on his champagne glass, a piece of paper clutched in his hand.

_Oh dear god, no._

"Hello everyone. My name is Eric, and I'm Simon's best friend. I'm here today to honor the fact that out of all of us, Simon is the first to be getting married. He is also the first one of us to have sex two nights in a row. We're proud of you buddy." There was a shout and a holler from the back of the group. Probably Simon's other band mates. "Anyway, since this is such a special occasion, I decided to write a poem for you guys."

There were many groans from the crowd, all preparing themselves for the torture to begin.

And then it started raining.

"Wonderful," Jace muttered.

Everyone began to herd inside, putting their muddy shoes on his Persian rugs. He followed with a huff, trying to ignore how groggy he felt. He had barely slept at all last night, and couldn't even remember waking up that morning. Once everyone was inside, sitting and standing among the living room couches, the noise of thirty people talking started up again, making Jace's head hurt more than before. He glanced out the window, trying to ignore the noise.

 _God damn it._ He left the barbeque open.

Jace pulled his shirt collar over his ears and dashed outside to pull down the big metal lid. Once it was shut, the rain slamming down on the iron cover, he turned back to the house.

And then it happened.

_Boom._

The windows shattered, the living room going up in flames as the explosion engulfed half the house and everyone in it. Jace was thrown back, landing on the soft grass behind him. His ears were ringing, his vision blurring red and orange like flames and he pushed himself to his feet. The whole back of the house was gone, shrapnel and debris flying from the wreckage. There was nothing left.

Jace dashed around the house, giving the fire a wide berth as he made his way to the front door.

Just as he came around the side of the house, Alec's car pulled up, and he, Clary and Max ran from the old blue minivan.

"What the hell happened?" Alec yelled over the crackle of flames.

Jace's eyes blurred with tears. "They're all gone."

Just as the words left his mouth, the front, right side of the house lit up in a second explosion. They were too far to feel the effects this time. Other than the heat from the fire, they were safe.

Or so they thought.

Something flew past Jace's ear, and a sharp thumping sound came behind him. He turned just as Alec screamed, watching as Max fell to the ground, a large piece of metal sticking out of his left eye.

Clary turned towards the house, running for the front porch, which was surprisingly not on fire.

Jace tried to grab her but she was already too far ahead of him. He ran after her, trying to stop her before she entered the front door.

But she reached it before him, pushing the wooden front door open. Jace entered the house after her with Alec just behind him.

Right when they entered, a loud crashing sound came from behind Jace, and he turned to see one of the wooden beams from the ceiling crushing Alec on the floor. He was dead.

Clary ran for the basement door. _What the hell is she doing?_

Just when the door was open, another wooden beam fell behind the small redhead, scaring her. She turned to see what fell, but stepped over the edge and tumbled down the stairs.

Dead.

There was blood and fire everywhere.

Everything was gone.

Jace fell to his knees, screaming.

Then he woke up.

He was lying in his bed. Nothing was on fire. Everything was fine. He sighed in relief. The barbeque was tomorrow. No one was dead.

 _What a realistic dream,_ he thought, turning around to see a completely naked Alec spread out like a starfish on top of the covers next to him.

He screamed.

And woke up.

Again.

Now he was back in his bed. Naked Alec was gone. But he was replaced with a naked Clary, curled up next to him.

From another room, he heard the muffled, but high pitched scream of a crying baby. Clary opened her eyes sleepily. "Can you get that honey? I got it last time."

Jace slowly got up from the bed, trying to understand what was going on. He looked down at Clary, examining her slight, pale shoulders and her bright orange hair against the pillow. Her hand lay delicately next to her head. On her finger was Jace's mother's engagement ring.

Then Jace woke up.

_Dammit! I liked that one!_

Jace rolled off the couch. He knew he was really awake this time because when he got off the couch, he almost stepped on Max, who was curled un on the floor, covered in the cheesy dust of Doritos. He crinkled his nose. Not even Jace could imagine the stink of a teenage boy. This was definitely real.

Unfortunately.


	21. Have You Ever Heard of the Virgin Mary?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE VIRGIN MARY?

_7 months pregnant_

Magnus stumbled into the room after Alec, straightening his white coat and zipping up his pants. "Alright," he said, sounding a bit out of breath. "Spread your legs, I'm going in."

Clary sat up from the examination table. "Why do I need to spread my legs? I thought you were doing an ultrasound."

Magnus raised his hands, as though to show he was unarmed. "Pardon me for trying to make your visit more pleasurable."

Clary rolled her eyes and lay back down, pulling her shirt up to just below her bra. Denis stood beside her, holding her hand as though for moral support.

Magnus did the thing and, yay, the baby is a-okay. **(AN: I'm sorry, but I'm so sick of describing ultrasounds and shit. It's over.)**

"Come one, guys. We need to get home and get ready before the guests get there," Jace said, walking behind Alec and fixing his collar.

"What, are you guys having a party?" Denis asked. Magnus perked up at the word, setting down his pen and clipboard and walking over to put his arm around Alec.

"A party, eh? Why weren't we invited?"

Jace cleared his throat, panic rising in his eyes. "Whaaaaaat? Of course we invited you. Your invite must have just… gotten lost in the mail."

"Then let's go now," Denis said, walking towards Jace.

"B-but…" Jace stuttered, clearly looking for an excuse. "But neither of you are dressed! You can't show up looking like discount gynecologists."

Magnus opened his white doctors coat, revealing a silver shirt covered in rhinestones and gold pants, smiling like Vanna White.

Alec smiled with him. "A good gay is always prepared."

"Actually," Magnus said, "I'm more of a freewheeling bisexual."

Jace threw Magnus's arm off him, holding him at arm's length. "Listen to me," he said, shaking him. "You can't come. I can't let my parents think that I hang out with a couple of severely gay vagina doctors."

"Bisexual," Magnus said, irritated.

"I'm actually asexual." Denis blushed shyly.

"Whoa, rewind a second," Magnus said, as though he just registered what Jace said. He turned to Alec. "Alexander, why didn't you invite me? Do you not want me to meet your parents?"

Alec paled; gaining the panicked look that Jace had just moments before. "I never said that. I was just hoping we could wait a little longer for you to meet them."

"How long were you planning on waiting?"

"Until their funeral."

"Alec!" Magnus smacked him in the stomach.

"Ok, look," Jace said. "The truth is they are going to be surprised enough that Isabelle actually agreed to settle down with Ratface. They thought she was only dating him to make them angry. Now they're going to have little Jewish babies and Simon is going to come to every Sunday dinner and all the family reunions and my mom is going to hate it. Also, they are going to be meeting Clary for the first time, even though they have no idea she exists and that she's pregnant with my child." Jace turned to Clary, who was still sitting on the examination table. "By the way, you were an intern at the company I inherited and we started dating a few months after my parents died. The baby is a lovely surprise and we'll be getting married in a couple of years after your career as an artist takes off."

Clary blinked at him a couple of times. "So are we engaged now?"

"No, but you know that I will ask soon. Got it?"

Clary nodded after hesitating.

"Oh god," Alec muttered. "I didn't even think of how they'll react. This will give mom a heart attack!"

"On second thought," Jace said, pulling Magnus's arm back around his shoulder. "Maybe you two should come to the party. We have plenty of room in the minivan."

Magnus gagged. "You have a minivan?"

"It's Alec's."

Magnus shook his head, making a shooing motion with his hand. "No no, that has to go."

Alec groaned. "But you already got me new shoes. Let me keep my car!"

"Well," Magnus said, contemplating the possibilities. "I guess we could put the seats down and put a mattress in the back."

Alec shook his head. "But that's unsafe."

**OoOoOoO**

Jace stood across from Maryse in their small circle. They were talking about politics or something boring like that so Jace walked over to the barbeque to check on the burgers. He opened the lid just as Isabelle and Simon walked over, hand in hand, smiling.

"Thanks for throwing us this engagement party, Jace."

Jace smiled and waited for them to walk away. He didn't feel like talking right now.

But they didn't leave. Dammit.

"So when is your engagement party going to be?" Simon asked, nudging Jace in the ribs.

"What?" Jace looked away from the barbeque to glare at Simon.

Isabelle smiled. "As if it isn't obvious that you two like each other. Speaking of, where is the little ginger?"

Just then, Clary walked over, followed by Alec and Max, holding an empty plastic bag. "We're out of buns," she said, holding up the bag. "We're going to go to the store to get some."

"No," Jace said, a bit panicked. "It's ok. I went and got some last night because… I couldn't sleep… and… reasons." Jace thrust the six bags of buns into Alec's arms and turned back to the barbeque.

Clary walked away with Isabelle and Simon, Max at her heels.

"Isn't this just a bit overkill? I mean there's only a couple dozen people here and-"

"It's fine, Alec. Clary will eat the leftovers."

Alec rolled his eyes and walked towards Magnus, who was talking to Robert Lightwood. He shuffled towards them in slight panic.

Everything seemed to be going more or less smoothly. People stood in small groups all over Jace's back yard behind the old church/house. It was a casual event, so everyone was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. Except for Isabelle, who decided since she was one of the guests of honor, she should wear her glittering red ball gown. Typical Izzy.

His smile faded when he turned to see Eric tapping a knife on his champagne glass, a piece of paper clutched in his hand.

_Oh dear god, no._

"Hello everyone. My name is Eric, and I'm Simon's best friend. I'm here today to honor the fact that out of all of us, Simon is the first to be getting married. He is also the first one of us to have sex two nights in a row. We're proud of you buddy." There was a shout and a holler from the back of the group. Probably Simon's other band mates. "Anyway, since this is such a special occasion, I decided to write a poem for you guys."

There were many groans from the crowd, all preparing themselves for the torture to begin.

"This poem is a little different from what I usually do, mostly because I'll be singing it."

Jace wasn't sure, but he thought he heard the sound of someone killing themselves in the back of the crowd.

Eric cleared his throat, unfolding the piece of paper and downing the rest of his drink. Then he started singing Beyonce. Or… Kind of Beyonce.

"If I were a boy, I would have loins-"

"WHAT THE PHILIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN DO YOU MEAN THAT JACE IS THE FATHER?"

Oh boy. There was only one person Jace knew who swore like that.

Maryse Lightwood, the most intimidating woman who weighed under 130 pounds pushed her way through the crowd towards her adopted son. She grabbed him by the ear and pulled him down to her height, which was almost half a foot lower.

"Jonathan Christopher Herondale-Lightwood!"

"My last name was never hyphenated, why are you doing that?"

Maryse continued, pretending she didn't hear him. "You knocked up a high school freshman and didn't even bother to tell me?"

"Um, I'm twenty-four," Clary called from the back.

"Mom, she's like twenty-three."

"I just said I'm twenty-four! Can you even hear me? Am I to far back?" There was a shuffling sound as Clary pushed her way through the crowd and waddled towards the two arguing at the front.

Maryse let go of Jace's ear, letting him stand to his full height. Though that didn't stop her from getting all up in his face. "Why haven't I heard about this until now? Have you been whoring around again?"

"Ok, first of all," Jace said, lightly pushed Maryse away from him. "I'm a virgin."

"How does that even work?" Maryse asked, interrupting Alec's laughter from the back.

Jace straightened up. "I assume you're familiar with the story of the Virgin Mary."

"Are you saying you're God?"

Jace his hands in mock defense. "You said it, not me."

"Jonathan, I know you're not a virgin. I've seen many a whore exiting our house back in the day."

"Alright," Jace said. "Here's the truth. She was an intern at the company and we started dating a few months after my parents died. The baby is a lovely surprise and we'll be getting married in a couple of years after her career as an artist takes off."

"That's fine," Maryse said. "At least I can get the truth out of one of my sons. Alec, get over here."

Alec turned bright red and shuffled through the crowd of silent people. Most of them were sipping their drinks, enjoying the entertainment.

Alec reached them, standing next to Jace to face his mother. They made brief eye contact before he looked down at the floor.

"Well Alec, are you going to tell me what's happening with these two or not?"

Alec looked at Jace, whose eyes were wide and begging. He took a deep breath before he started talking almost as quickly as he could.

"They fell in love and they dated for many a year because they were in love and then they had a baby after dating for many a year because in love. Well they didn't have baby but they expecting baby. And they get married soon so yay baby and wedding." Alec made the mistake of looking up. Maryse just gave him a look. And it was all over. "She's his surrogate. He wanted an heir to his company even though I said he doesn't need one because he's only twenty-five but now he likes her. Like like likes her. Like he was looking at engagement ring likes her. Like loves her. Like his mom's engagement ring loves her. I love you mommy, please don't kill me."

Maryse turned slowly towards Jace, looking more like Satan than a proud Christian. "Are you telling me that the child wasn't even conceived before God?"

"What the hell do you mean before God? Like in a church? Who does that?"

Robert pushed off from the tree he was leaning against, stepping towards the small group of people in the middle of the observers. "Why don't you ask Alec? He's a church sex baby."

"What the fuck, Dad!"

"Don't feel bad," Robert put his hand on Alec's shoulder. "Max was conceived _on_ the altar." He elbowed Jace in the ribs to stop his loud and obnoxious laughter. "I wouldn't be laughing if I were you. I remember at our vow renewal just before Alec was born your parents were going at it like rabbits."

And then it started raining.

"Oh, well I guess it's just a story for another time. Let's head inside."

"NO!" Jace yelled, suddenly very panicked. "We should stay outside. And maybe… move very far away from the house. Let's stay out here and… have a wet tshirt party!"

"Jace, don't be inappropriate. We're going inside." Maryse turned and walked towards the house, followed by… well, everyone.

Jace followed after them cautiously, hoping the house wouldn't explode.


	22. Baron Hotcrotch Von Hugenstein

BARON HOTSCOFT VON HUGENSTIEN

Jace stood in front of his mirror, running a brush through his golden hair for the seventh time, trying to make it look somewhat neat. He ran his fingers through it, but the hair just kept falling into his eyes and sticking out in every direction. _Goddammit._

There was a soft knocking at the door before Alec pushed it open and stepped into Jace's room.

"You know, there's really no point in knocking if you're just going to come in right after."

"You look nice," Alec said, ignoring Jace's sarcasm. He looked Jace up and down, walking behind him and straightening the collar of his dress shirt. "What's the occasion?"

"I'm going on a date."

"With who?"

"Well, I haven't actually asked her yet."

Alec took a step back and sat on Jace's bed. "You're asking Clary out?"

Jace nodded, his ears turning red.

Alec jumped up from the bed and clapped his hands like and excited fangirl. "Oh my god, finally! How are you going to ask her?"

"I don't know," Jace said, pulling down his sleeves. "I was hoping you could help me with that. Do you think a parade is too much?"

"You're taking her to a parade for your first date?"

"No, the parade is how I'm asking her out. I hired a bunch of people to organise it and each float has a different letter on it so it spells out ' _Clary, will you go out with me'_ and then it ends with an all-you-can-eat buffet with nothing but gummy worms, pixie stix and whole pig. Do you think it might be too much?"

"Jace, if the queen of England and Kim Kardashian had a baby that would be how you asked her to marry you."

"So… just the buffet?"

Alec put his hand on Jace's shoulder. "Dude, just ask her. And take off that nasty suit. Where did you even get that thing?" Alec asked, looking at Jace's head-to-toe white prom suit. The only thing that wasn't white was… "Oh my god, are you wearing black socks with white shoes?"

Jace took off the white suit jacket, placing it on his bed. "First of all, you've never sounded so gay. And I borrowed it from Max. That's why the pants are a bit short. And super tight in the crotch. I guess this is just one of the cons of having a rocket ship dick." He took off the rest of the suit shamelessly and pulled on his jeans and tshirt.

"Seriously," Alec said. "Don't make it weird. Just ask her. The worst that can happen is she says no."

"Or the shock of someone so devastatingly handsome asking her out gives her a heart attack and she and the baby both die of heart failure."

"Let's be honest," Alec started walking towards the door. "The person only person who would have a heart attack would be you if she says no. Seriously, just ask her."

Alec left the room, closing the door behind him. Jace fixed the hem of his shirt, pulling it down to cover his stomach. He nodded to himself. "Just ask her. It's that easy. Just ask her."

**OoOoOoO**

"What, no all you can eat buffet? No all white suit?" Clary asked, sitting on the couch with a whole pig on her lap.

"What?"

"I'm just saying I thought you would at least ask me with a little flair. Also, I heard you guys talking." Clary lifted the pig with her tiny arms and took a bite out of the back. She stood up with the pig still in her arms and shoved it into the fridge. "Ok, let's go."

"What? Go where?"

"On our date, silly," Clary booped his nose, smiling like a child.

 _Well,_ Jace thought, _l that was easy._

**OoOoOoO**

Clary sat on the grass across from Jace with a whole pig across her lap. She lifted the pig with her tiny arms and took a bite out of its back. "This," she said, her mouth full of pork. "Is the best picnic ever."

Jace sipped his diet coke, smiling and leaning forward to wipe barbeque sauce from the corner of her mouth. She was so cute when she devoured an entire barnyard animal. Everything was going smoothly. Until…

"GET THAT FOUL BEAST AWAY FROM ME!"

Clary looked down to see a small, yellow baby duck pecking at the foot of the pig. "Aww," she cooed, picking up the small bird and cradling it in her hands. "It's so fluffy!" She stroked the tiny ducklings beak and it stood on its tippy-toes to lean into her touch. "I think it's all alone. We should keep it," Clary said, looking up to see Jace ten feet in the air, hiding in the branches of the large oak tree that she was sitting under.

"Clary, listen to me very carefully. I want you to take the duck and very slowly set it on fire and flush it down the toilet."

"Jace what the fuck. It's a harmless baby bird." Clary stood up, holding up the yellow ball of fuzz for him to see.

Jace climbed higher into the tree. "Did you see that thing trying to eat the pig? It's a bloodthirsty beast. I bet it wouldn't even hesitate to eat its own kind!"

"Jace, don't be ridiculous. It doesn't even have teeth."

"I'm sure it could grow them if it really wanted to. Kind of like a vampire. One day the ducks will evolve and take over the planet! Then they will be at the top of the food chain!"

Clary gave Jace exaggerated puppy dog eyes. "Please can we keep him? He has no family. He'll die out here all alone."

Well shit.

Jace jumped down from the tree, still keeping his distance from the duck. "Alright. But that thing stays in a cage. And if we're keeping him, we have to name him Baron Hotscoft Von Hugenstien."

"No. We're naming him Ducky. Also, he will roam free in the house. No cage. But he's just a baby, so you can't let him see any of your one night stands."

"Come on Clary, I haven't done that in a really long time."

Clary put Ducky to sit on her shoulder so she could cross her arms. "Alec told me the last time you did it was just a little before you hired me."

"Yeah, but I've changed since then. Besides, it's not like I ever actually took anyone's virginity."

Clary gave him a look like she didn't believe him. "Really? Never?"

Jace paled. "Well, there was this one time, but it was only because we were both really drunk and she really didn't want to be a virgin anymore. But we never speak of it."

"Wait, you still see her?"

Jace said nothing, refusing to give anything away. But his face told Clary everything she needed to know.

"Oh my god, you fucked Alec!"

"What? I said _she_!"

Clary shrugged, catching Ducky before he slid off her shoulder. "You always refer to Alec as 'she.'"

"Point taken, but it wasn't him. If he knew about this he would rip my balls off." Jace slapped his hand over his mouth, realizing he just gave it away.

"Holy shit," Clary sat down, trying not to laugh or vomit. "You screwed Isabelle?"

"I didn't mean to! I was drunk! She took advantage of me! But you cannot tell Alec! He can't know about this! The only other person who actually knows about this is Max and that's just because he walked in on us!"

"That's disgusting! You scarred a child for life!"

"No, he walked in the next morning. We bribed him not to tell, and he hasn't yet so I don't think he will."

Clary took another bite of whole pig. "So you lost your virginity to Isabelle?"

"Nah, I lost it in my first year of high school to a super hot senior. She's a stripper now."

Clary nodded. "That's nice."


	23. I Don't Think She's Gonna Make It

I DON'T THINK SHE'S GOING TO MAKE IT

_Nine months pregnant_

Isabelle stirred the soup, throwing in a cup of sugar and a couple of baby wipes. "Gives it an extra kick," she said, slurping a bit off her spoon. Clary leaned over the counter to get a better look in the pot. The green liquid bubbled and boiled, smelling like old diapers and clams. Clary was not excited to eat it.

Isabelle poured the nasty looking soup into a mug and handed the swamp water to Clary. She smiled nervously, taking the mug, took a sip, and immediately emptied her stomach in the sink.

Isabelle patted her back soothingly, taking the mug from her hand and placing it on the counter beside her. "Poor kid, must have really bad morning sickness."

"It's not morning sickness," Alec said, dumping the pot down the drain when Clary moved out of the way. "It's your cancer soup."

Isabelle rolled her eyes, cleaning the food and other non-edible items from the kitchen counter and going to sit on the couch beside Jace. Clary washed her mouth out with diet coke and went to sit with them.

"You smell like shit," Isabelle commented as Clary sat down.

"She smells like your soup with a hint of strawberries," Jace said, looking at Isabelle with his eyes. **(AN: We're really laying down the details today. Look at the amazing way we worded this sentence. Work of art.)**

Clary groaned, standing up and pulling off her puke covered shirt. Jace stared, admiring how big her boobs have gotten. Though they were kind of hidden under her weird pregnant lady sports bra. "I'm going to go shower," she mumbled, waddling past the couch and into the hallway.

"Well, all the fun people are gone." Isabelle stood up, heading to the door. "I'll see you two idiots later."

"Tell Rat Face I said hi," Jace called after her.

Alec walked out of the kitchen, one hand in his pocket, the other holding a glass of water. "Where's Clary? I brought her something to wash down the throw up," he said, holding up the glass.

Jace shrugged. "She went to take a shower."

Alec gasped, letting the glass of water fall and shatter on the floor. "But it's Tuesday," he whispered before turning around and dashing down the hallway and up the stairs.

Jace sighed, going to get the broom to clean up the mess.

**OoOoOoO**

Jace walked down the hall, into Clary's room and saw Alec pressing his ear against the bathroom door. He seemed to be concentrating very hard.

"You know, if you really wanted to see her naked, you could just go in there," Jace said, smiling at his brother.

"Don't be stupid, Jace. You know showers are seven percent more slippery on Tuesdays. This is a disaster."

Jace only laughed. "Don't you think you're being just a bit ridiculous?"

_Bang!_

Without a second's hesitation, Jace kicked down the door, ran into the bathroom and threw the shower door to the side.

And in the shower stood Clary, perfectly fine and completely naked.

The tiny redhead screeched, picking up the nearest thing – a full shampoo bottle – and hurled it at Jace, screaming.

Alec ran from the sight of a naked female with his eyes covered, running into the wall twice before he finally found the door and ran for his life from the female anatomy.

Jace ran after him, wiping the shampoo from his eyes, trying to ignore the burning.

Clary got out of the shower and threw on her robe, leaving the bathroom in a huff and heading to the kitchen for some whole pig.

Jace and Alec stood on the opposite side of the counter, out of breath and looking traumatized.

"We thought you fell," Alec said, not looking Clary in the eye.

"I dropped a shampoo bottle." Clary reached into the fridge and took out a chilled diet coke. She walked over to the glass cabinet to get a – "son of a bitch!" Clary put the diet coke on the counter before she dropped it and lifted her foot to inspect it. "Did someone break a glass?"

Alec and Jace rushed over, scooping her up and sitting her down on the counter. Jace got down on his knees to inspect Clary's foot, pulling a pair of glasses out of his ass and putting them on his face. "Shit," she said, trying to hide his panic. "There's glass in her foot, I can't tell how big the piece is or how deep inside it is." Jace whipped the glasses off his face and looked dramatically at Alec, his face dead serious. "It could have hit an artery. I don't know if she's going to make it."

Alec scooped Clary off of the counter and ran to his car, Jace walking right behind him. "We'll take her to Magnus's apartment," Alec said, putting Clary in the back seat of Jace's BMW and going around to take the driver's seat. "It's closer than the hospital and there won't be any wait time." Jace sighed dramatically and shlumped into shotgun.

Clary smiled from the back seat. "Yeah Alec, get it in there!" Jace swore she looked paler than before. She was probably losing a lot of blood.

Jace leaned back and put his hand on Clary's knee. "Just keep pressure on it ok? You should be fine. Just don't panic. Lie back and try to relax."

"Guys, seriously, I'm fine."

Jace closed his eyes and tried to hold back the tears. "She's already delusional. She's lost to much blood." He turned to Alec and put his hand on his shoulder. "Drive faster. We have to get there before it's too late!"

Alec finally pulled into Magnus's driveway. He shut the car off and walked around to get Clary, but Jace already had her in his arms.

They raced up the steps and barged into the gynecologist's apartment, Alec leading the way to his bedroom, (Clary giggled at the idea of Alec already knowing where Magnus's bedroom is.)

Alec opened the door carefully. The lights were dimmed, and in the elevated massage bed lay Magnus with his hair in a shower cap, his face covered in green goop and his nails out to dry at his sides. Beyoncé was playing softly in the background. Alec coughed loudly. Magnus sat up slightly, lifting a cucumber slice from his eye. He looked at the trio standing in his doorway, not looking very surprised to see them.

"We need your help," Alec said, gesturing to Clary.

Magnus replaced the cucumber over his eye and lay back down. "Come back in three to four hours. It's spa night."

Alec walked up to his boyfriend, grabbing the blanket that was underneath him, and yanked upwards as hard as he could.

Magnus fell from the bed to the floor with a loud bang, grunting loudly with the impact. Jace set Clary on the bed and set the massage vibration to low. Alec walked around the bed to the speaker that sat on the table, changing the noise from Beyoncé to the sounds of beach waves.

Alec bent down and kissed Magnus on the cheek, then whipping the weird avocado mask from his mouth. "Thanks for helping Clary, babe. Love you." Magnus grumbled in his spot on the floor. He stood up and went to get his first aid kit, ushering the boys outside.

Jace and Alec went to sit in the small living room outside Magnus's bedroom door. They sat quietly, wondering if Clary was going to be ok.

Jace pulled his phone from his pocket and started dialing. "What are you doing?" Alec asked.

"Don't you think that we should tell Clary's only family that she might not make it through the night?" Jace lifted the phone to his ear and waited while it ran.

After four rings, John answered the phone.

"Hello?"

Jace took a deep breath. "John, I don't know how to say this. You know I would protect your sister with my life, and I would do anything for her, but…"

"What happened? What the hell did you do to my sister, you sick fuck?" John sounded ready to punch someone. Jace was glad he was in Canada.

"I didn't do anything. It was an accident… I know this was avoidable. If I had just swept up the damn glass properly… I'm sorry John. She's getting help, I promise. I just don't know if it will be enough."

There was a long pause on the other side of the phone. Then all John said was, "I'll be on the next flight over." And the line went dead.

Jace had the strangest sense of deja-vu.

Suddenly the door to the bedroom flew open, and Magnus stood in the doorway, his white t-shirt covered in blood. There were tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, looking down at his blood covered hands. "She lost too much blood. She didn't make it."

"Oh god," Jace sobbed, barely holding back his tears. "Are you serious?"

Magnus whipped his suspiciously glittery tears. "No, you idiots. She barely even needed a bandaid."

Clary exited the bedroom, petting her face. "Damn my skin is smooth."

"Wait, what?" Jace said his tears and sobbing coming to a sudden halt.

Clary hopped in cute excitement. "It's spa night. Magnus gave me a facial. What do you think we were doing there for a whole hour?"

"We thought he was saving your life!"

Clary shrugged. "You two really shouldn't be so dramatic."

**OoOoOoO**

John walked up the steps on the main entrance of the weird church house thing and opened the door, not bothering to knock. He had prepared himself for the worst, knowing that there was a possibility that Clary might not be there the eat the whole pig that John knew they undoubtedly had in the fridge.

John reached the doorway to the living room, but stopped in his tracks when he heard a light squeaking sound coming from his feet. He looked down to see a small and adorable duck pecking at the tip of his boot. John scooped up the small duck and held it close to him. "You remind me of Clary. So young and innocent and yellow and full of life! But it was cut short! It ended before it even really began."

"Uh, John? I'm right here." John's head snapped up. He smiled when he saw his sister sitting on the couch in the living room. _She's alive!_

"And how am I yellow?" she continued. "If anyone's yellow, it's Jace."

Jace looked up from fanning Clary with a large leaf, looking offended. "Uh, gold!"

Clary was lounging on the large leather couch, one foot propped up on a big pillow. Alec was kneeling down at the foot of the couch, hand feeding Clary what looked like a triple BLT.

John smiled and ran to her. She was sitting down, so the hug was awkward and uncomfortable, but John didn't care. "I thought I lost you. You're the only family I have left."

Clary hugged him back. "I'm not going anywhere."

John pulled away from Clary, sitting down next to her on the couch. "I'm done with the coma research. After everything that happened I realized I need to stop chasing after things I might never find. I should stay here with you so I don't miss any important moments."

"But what about mom?"

John shrugged. "Her condition hasn't changed in so long; I doubt it'll change any time soon. Let some other, smarter scientist figure out how to wake her up. For now, you're awake and you're having a baby. I'm not missing that for anything."

Clary smiled at her brother, then took another bite of her BLT from Alec's hands. John pointed to the two boys. "Should I ask why?"

"Ever since I cut my foot, they've been my servants!" Clary said with a smile. "Which means room service, free cable, I get to eat Alec's special candy cane double stuffed Oreos, and they change my band aid hourly."

"Band aid?" John asked.

Clary lifted her foot, showing the small Dora band aid stuck to her heel.

"She's saving the spiderman band aids for when they're really necessary," said Max, who was sitting in the corner in the spinny chair John had bought on his last visit. He was spinning really fast an uncontrollably, but no one seemed to really care.

Until Max went flying from the chair and crashed into the floor, followed by a loud cracking noise that made John, and everyone else cringe.

Max lay on the floor, clutching his arm to his chest, trying to hold in his tears like the man we all know he isn't. "Oh god," he groaned. "I think I just broke my arm!"

Jace rolled his eyes. "Don't be so over dramatic."

"Yeah," Alec said. "Just do some push ups or something. Don't be such a baby."

John stood up and helped Max to his car so he could take him to the hospital.


	24. Are They Naked Yes They Are

ARE THEY NAKED YES THEY ARE

Max got home from the hospital a few hours after the incident. His arm was slung up in a cast and the bone in his arm had been snapped back into place. Jonathan cringed at the memory of hearing the way to bones crackled when the doctor moved them back into place.

Even though he's been a doctor for five years (and suffered through seven years of med school. God, graduating high school at thirteen is so tiring) he still could never get used to the sound of bones cracking.

Max stumbled into the house, groaning quietly in pain as he mumbled about pain killers.

John led him into the kitchen where everyone else was standing around the counter eating what looked like a turducken.

"Wow Clary, finally found another source of protein that isn't whole pig?"

Clary looked up from her plate full of bird meat. "I was saving it for dessert."

Max moaned like a dying whale and laid down on the counter, dropping his bottle of vodka on the floor and stuffing his face into the turducken. Jace picked up the bottle. "What the hell? He just broke his arm and you're letting him get wasted?"

John shrugged. "The pain meds started to ware off and he wouldn't shut up on the car ride home so I stopped at a liquor store."

"Quick thinking. Can't believe I never thought of that," Isabelle said.

Alec elbowed her in the ribs. "Seriously? He basically poisoned our very innocent, very _underaged_ brother!"

"It's ok." John said. "I'm a doctor."

"Yeah and he's only innocent because he's a loser. If he could get some he would have got some." Isabelle said, wiggling her eyebrows.

"That's not even true," Max said, slurring his words. "I've had many a vagina inside of me before."

"Exactly. Have you ever even kissed a girl?"

Max jumped off the counter and lunged at Clary, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her, shoving his tongue down his throat. He began to moan very loudly, while Clary tried her very best to back away without head butting him. Finally Jace intervened, ripped Max off of Clary and practically throwing him across the room.

Isabelle laughed loudly, saving the video on her phone for later use.

Max also laughed from across the room. "Oooooohhhhh you're jeeeaaalooouuusss! You looooooooooooove her!" he said, pointing at Jace like a five year old. Then he began to sing. "Jace and Clary sitting in a car. Are they naked, yes they are! The car goes bump bump, they go…"

"Hey, I'm done painting the nursery," Clary said, interrupting before Max could finish his disgusting song. "Who wants to see it?"

Everyone agreed, desperate to escape the awkward situation.

They all headed upstairs, Clary at the head of the pack and Max at the end.

Once they got to the room, Clary opened the door slowly and dramatically, humming Star Wars music. Once the door was completely opened, she stepped in with her arms spread wide, obviously proud of her work. And she should be, it looked super badass in like an infant sort of way.

Each wall was a different color to represent each Winnie the Pooh character that was painted there. The front wall was yellow, and in the middle of the wall sat Winnie with his pot of honey, with Piglet sitting next to him on the log. On the left blue wall, Eeyore lay under a rain cloud, looking depressed as fuck, which is great for a child's room. On the right wall with the window, Rabbit was like, pruning his carrots or something. You know, doing rabbit shit. And on the wall with the door, (where everyone had entered but they were not standing in the middle of the enormous nursery) was Tigger, jumping over the door into a field of flowers.

"Wow, this looks perfect!" Alec said, admiring Clary's work.

"And I know just how to make it even better!" Jace said from the hallway. He wheeled in a… well… uh… it was… umm… a wooden dog house? "It's a cradle for the baby!" he said with a huge and adorable smile. Ooooooooh, that's what it was.

"Perfect," Alec said, trying not to use his lying voice. "It'll look great once a burn it!"

"What?"

"Once I paint it!" Clary said, punching Alec in the shoulder when Jace wasn't looking.

"I know it's not the best looking crib," he said, pulling out a loose nail. "But it's sturdy and comfy! I slept in this thing like twice, so it will probably be even more comfortable for a person that can actually fit in it!"

"It's perfect," Clary said, wheeling it over to the corner of the room and pushing down the wheel locks.

Then Max walked into the room.

"Wow, I had a really hard time finding this room! There's like seven hallways you have to walk through to get here. But I found this other room on my way and look what I found," Max smiled mischievously and held up a wad of pink lace.

Clary turned bright red and snatched the panties from his hand, shoving them in her pocket.

Max frowned and took a deep breath. "It smells like ginger people and fish in here! Isabelle, close your whore legs! It would probably smell a lot better down there if Jace hadn't popped your cherry at prom!"

Everything went quiet. There was not a single noise in that room except the increasing sound of Alec's heavy breathing. "What?"

Jace began to slowly back out of the room, trying his best not to make any sudden movements.

Max smiled. "Yeah, I walked in on them the next morning. They paid me not to tell anyone but I just said it now. Oops."

"Jace," Alec said through labored breaths. "You have five seconds to explain."

"I was raped!" Jace yelled.

"What?" Isabelle said, clearly confused. "You were totally into it!"

"I was drunk! You took advantage of me! I didn't even know who I was with! I called you Kelly!"

"You called me Stacy."

"Exactly! I don't even remember I was so drunk!"

"Why the hell have I never heard about this?" Simon yelled.

Isabelle might have said something after that. But no one heard over Alec's loud and terrifying battle cry.

One second, Alec was standing in the back of the room and Jace stood in the hallway. The next, Alec was charging towards him like an angry bear. They were both on the ground, punching the living shit out of each other. John was over there in a second, trying to rip Alec off of Jace. But he didn't budge. He stayed put and continued to throw punch after punch, and all Jace did was lie there, trying to block the punches.

Back in the nursery, Clary stood without moving against the wall, breathing heavily. Simon was shaking her, trying to get her attention.

"Clary? Are you ok? There's a huge fight going on! It would be nice if you could calm the assholes down a bit!" Simon continued to shake her gently, but nothing worked. Finally he slapped her in the face… gently. Kind of.

Her eyes finally focused. "What?"

Simon was about to yell at her for not paying attention when- "Clary, did you pee your pants?"

"My water just broke."

"OH SHIT FUCK WHAT HOLY FUCK SHIT FUCK TITTIE FUCK THE BABY IS COMING OH FUCK CLARY WHAT DO WE DO?"

Clary placed a calming hand on Simon's shoulder. "We need to get the boys to stop fighting so they can take me to the hospital."

Simon nodded, grabbing her hand and running out into the hallway.

Jace and Alec were now standing by the stairs, yelling and throwing the occasional punch to the face or the gut.

"Clary peed herself and the baby's coming!" Simon yelled, trying to get the others attention.

But it was hard to hear his panicked screams over the commotion of Jace trying to explain what had happened and Alec making very loud alarm noises and yelling "I CAN'T HEAR YOU I CAN'T HEAR YOU."

Isabelle was yelling something about a guy named Derek and a yeast infection or something, and John was just trying to get the boys to stop punching each other.

Clary sighed, realizing she obviously had to break this up herself. She walked over to the boys and stood on the opposite side of John with her back to the stairs.

"Would you idiots stop fighting already," Clary yelled over their childish screaming. "My water broke!"

Jace and Alec both turned to her at the same time, clearly having heard nothing that she just said, and yelled at the same time and yelled "STAY OUT OF IT!"

Clary wasn't expecting them to yell directly into her face. It startled her. She didn't mean to take a step back. She didn't mean to fall down the stairs. But she did.

**OoOoOoO**

Jace sat in the waiting room, and he was, well, waiting. Once they had gotten to the hospital, the doctors and nurses had brought Clary into a faraway room and wouldn't tell them anything.

Magnus arrived shortly after, in his scrubs and white coat. He walked to the faraway room without talking to any of them.

They still had no news on Clary or the baby.

Jace hugged his knees, trying to hold in the tears. "Everything's going to be ok," he muttered, though he knew he was the only one listening. Max was asleep, his head on Izzy's shoulder. Jace watched as his sister reached over and wiped the tears from his cheek. Simon sat next to her, holding her hand. John was sitting a few seats away, sobbing quietly into his hands.

And Alec sat next to Jace, his hand on his shoulder, trying to make him feel better. "I forgive you, Jace. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

But Jace wasn't listening. He just sat there, his head in between his knees as silent tears ran down his face.

They waited three hours. Three whole hours without knowing anything.

Then Magnus finally came down the brightly lit hallway.

Once he reached the waiting room, everyone stood up and rushed towards him. His face was blank, like the doctors who stood next to him. Jace wasn't sure if that was a good sign.

"Clary's fine," he said. Everyone let out a sign of relief.

"But Peanut didn't make it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we realize now that each chapter has two titles. Oh well

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed. Please comment and kudo :)  
> xoxo  
> -R&A


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